Hills and Valleys

So I feel pretty ecstatic right now, which is awesome because last week felt like an uphill battle. What really gives me goosebumps is that I feel like I'm living Psalm 126:5. The way that my life has been playing out over the last few weeks has definitely been a life sized version of sowing tears and reaping joy.

Last week was so hard - I received news that left me feeling defeated and worthless, let jealousy and insecurities threaten a friendship, and struggled to make healthy decisions. All things said, I was taking a casual stroll through the valley, limited by earthly vision and human goals. It felt like I was trying to climb a hill where I could see more clearly, but really I was allowing myself to pace at the bottom of it. The first part of Psalm 126:5 talks about sowing tears. Did I sow tears? Yes! A lot of tears, actually.

I also felt unexpectedly creative last week. I've been playing piano a lot more, and that's been cool, but I wanted to explore some new terrain, so I sketched a design, bought some paints and brushes, and just basically started painting. It was kind of soothing in a way, because it was a way that I could express myself. What I ended up with is the picture above. Knowing the basic idea that God can take the bad and turn it into good, I set out to find a verse based on the idea of tears. And then I found Psalm 126:5. I was so elated. This was God's message to me in the midst of all this yucky stuff. Okay, now to the joy part.

I've discovered supernatural joy, that God is willing to gift us happiness in situations where the world demands our depression and angst. Because I was able to share in God's joy for others, I felt so fulfilled and happy doing student ministries at my church. I felt like I was in the right place. At the right time. And with the right people. Holy Spirit is so good! Everything in my life right now just feels so... right. I am seeing instances of His faithfulness all over the place. He has definitely opened up my eyes when it comes to certain situations. God gives me so much that I haven't even asked for, and I don't even deserve any of it. It's all Him. Right now is definitely a hill time in the context of the last couple of weeks. Everything is really intense right now, but I think all that stuff will slow down soon. It's amazing how He orchestrates things. So, have I reaped joy? Yes! Supernatural joy.

⁵ Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy. - Psalm 126:5

You

he tells me I'm not good enough

he throws my mistakes in my face

You are with me when times are tough

You shower me with grace

To whom do I owe this joy in my heart

With whom would I never part?

You, Lord! All to you, Lord!

he attacks me from behind

he puts on a show

You give me ease of mind

You guide me on the straight and narrow

To whom do I owe this joy in my heart?

With whom would I never part?

You, Lord! All to you, Lord!

he divides

he steers me from the light

You provide

You keep me in Your sight

To whom do I owe this joy in my heart?

With whom would I never part?

You, Lord! All to you, Lord!

he twists love

he hits and misses

You show love

You reveal Your promises

To whom do I owe this joy in my heart?

With whom would I never part?

You, Lord! All to you, Lord!

On Wanting to be "Mouth"

It's so hard to understand God's timing and God's plan, isn't it? I don't think that I ever fully will, but I am getting better at identifying it. Thank God, the Holy Spirit pacifies people who just don't get it sometimes. You know, people like me.

You see, there's this ...set of circumstances... in my life that I just don't get. I found out some information today, and I was like "Really? Why them? Why not me? REALLY?" (It was not unlike that segment on SNL's Weekend Update that Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers used to do.) I just didn't get it. It still doesn't seem to make any sense.

Okay, so while my mind is going through a bitter set of doubts and disappointing self talk, Holy Spirit, like, randomly starts interjecting stuff from the likes of Jeremiah 29:11, Ecclesiastes 3, and Proverbs 31:25. To be honest, I responded to that in a very Weekend Update kind of way. Wasn't God supposed to be ashamed at this injustice, or, at the very least, disapproving? And then God reminded me that His people form a body, that the mouth is no more important than the fingers, and that, as long as that body is oxygenated by His heart, with His mind over our matter, it cannot be anything but healthy. God designates who gets to be Mouth, and who gets to be Finger. After all, saliva and vocal chords wouldn't help someone who wanted to give a high five or write a note. Neither would knuckles and cuticles help someone sing a song or deliver a message. (In reality, the church needs to be a complete body, full of those who deliver the Good News by speaking it, writing it, and acting it out.)

It's still so hard for me to grasp God's reasons for making me one part of the body, as opposed to the other. I know God's truth about these things on a head level, but some ideas have yet to diffuse into my heart. Why is that so hard for us? I know I'm not the only one that struggles with this. Is it the fact that churches seem to showcase those who are Mouth? Could be. But I think it goes much deeper than that.

Because, as all God-related things seem to connect, I am also reminded of a certain sermon entitled "Blood Brothers." On Sunday, we learned, or rather, were reminded of the fact that it is our nature to look out for number one. So, basically, it is very natural for us to act in a way that says, "I am mouth, hear me roar," or "I am hand, see me punch." What do we do with that??? Well, really, we can do nothing. Once again, it is God who puts us in exactly the right place at the right time. Under His direction, we can say, "I am Mouth, let me tell you about what He has done in me," or "I am Hand, let me pat you on the back and push you forward to better things."

So, back to my, um, distressing situation. It just doesn't seem so distressing anymore. I know that God has designated me the right position in the body. I think some diffusion just happened. And I give God thanks for that. He's got me right where he wants me.

"¹⁴Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. ¹⁵If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. ¹⁶And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.¹⁷If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰As it is, there are many parts, but one body." - I Corinthians 12:14-20

5/13/2012

Approximately 3 years from today, I will be sitting on the field, waiting to graduate from ASU. Someone important will probably be speaking about the rest of my life and bla bla bla. I'll be getting my diploma in Social Work and Nonprofit Management and Leadership. That's all I care about. But before then, here are some random goals that I have:

1. Grow my hair really long.

2. Cut my hair really short.

3. Visit New York, NY.

4. Throw one of those clue mystery parties.

5. Write a song.

6. Learn to paint.

7. Take a road trip.

8. Learn to play guitar.

9. Go to a different continent.

10. Run a 10K.

I'm already on my way to accomplishing some of these. So excited!