Reflections on Ecuador

I am attempting to pull myself together enough to write about my recent trip to Ecuador. Rather than trying to summarize my experiences, I have decided to type out some excerpts from my journal.

July 7, 2011 - Orientation

"I just feel like there is so much more from God that I am meant to receive on this trip. I feel like God has set me up to encounter more of Him and the things I get will move me toward more healing in my heart for my dad, clarity in my relationship with Taylor, deepened compassion, and challenged faith and perception of miracles. I feel a growth spurt coming on, like my world is about to be rocked upside down and inside out by the Holy Spirit. There is more from Him that I so badly want to receive. It's like I am massively thirsty but can't seem to quench my thirst, all the while wanting gulp after gulp of Jesus. I'll take Him any way I can get Him."

After writing this, I heard God say: "Amanda, start picking your promises, the things you want to receive. I have them all to give you. Healing? Of course. Influence? I will make you glow in the dark. Power poured out? I am your outlet."

July 8, 2011 - Orientation

"I felt like a little girl during worship tonight - my Daddy could do anything and give me everything. I kept feeling like God was brushing against my skin and holding me. It was entirely wonderful. I also feel like He called out all my fears, bubbling them up to the surface and gently brushing them away. They are not gone yet, but I feel lighter. It occurred to me that little girls whose daddy can do anything and give them everything are fearless."

July 10, 2011 - Traveling

"I find it ironic that I walked through gate D1 to board this plane to Guayaquil. I don't know if I have any concept of what to expect. I know the basics, like what I will be doing, but I can't wait to see the ways that Heaven is going to meet earth on this trip. Where am I going to encounter God? What miracles will I see? How will I get to know Him better? For the first time since Wednesday, I feel rested and ready - Before I left, Taylor (stud that he is) reminded me of that verse in Isaiah 40 that talks about running and not growing weary and that God has all the strength in the universe to give me. So good. This is way exciting!"

July 11, 2011 - Ecuador

"So we are in Ecuador. I still don't fully know what to expect, but I'm really tired. Today we are starting our VBS program for the children here. I already find it amazing how simple life is here - happiness requires so little, people only do and buy what they have the resources for, and contentment seems to run rampant. It's the whole idea of trusting God with what He has given me today and trusting Him to provide for me tomorrow (Matthew 6:30-33)."

"Today we prayed for a little boy with a fever - he was completely well and eating lunch a half hour later. It's amazing how much the kids love us and want to be around us just because we are American and come from a country they view as flowing with opportunity and prosperity. I think this runs parallel to the way that we interact with God - when we recognize who He is and that He wants to give us Heaven on earth, we can't help but want to be with Him. This certainly gives new perspective to living like a child..."

July 13, 2011 - Ecuador

I think I am starting to appreciate the ministry of presence so much more. I came here expecting to see God's power and miracles. Though these are definitely ways of sharing the gospel, I am coming to understand how beautiful it is just to be with people. All these kids want is for us to hold them - I think this is the core of Jesus' ministry. Just being there for the sake of others and showing up, no matter the cost. I think that, in some ways, this is harder for me than praying for healing or other miracles."

July 14, 2011 - Ecuador

I think I experienced one of the more beautiful moments of my life tonight. After dinner, we were playing with the kids and I ended up dancing with and holding a couple of the little girls. One of the girls sang a song about Jesus to me. Another girl came and practically fell asleep in my arms. In that moment, despite the fact that I was so tired and had a ton on my mind about home, I wanted nothing more than to be doing what I was doing. I just felt so content! This moment embodied meaning and is completely beyond words to me, especially since I have been struggling with having Jesus' heart of compassion for these kids. In that moment, I heard God saying that this is how He feels when He holds me - overflowing with love and compassion, completely content, and like there is nothing else in the world He would rather be doing."

July 15, 2011 - Ecuador

"I just waved goodbye to some of the most vulnerable and beautiful children I have ever met. When they get off the bus, many of them will go back to families who cannot feed or take care of them. Some will work all weekend, begging for anything they can get. Some will be abused and unloved. Here they have so little, but I can feel the love and the presence of God. It's strange to go from not knowing them to playing with them and sharing most of every day with them to waving goodbye to them as they board a bus back to their families. Talk about emotional whiplash... We all cried as we said goodbye and I'm pretty sure God did too because the sky opened up and it started pouring rain as they got on the bus and drove away from us. I am so heartbroken, but I know there is hope for them - the promises of Jesus still ring true. He loves them, oh how He loves them."

July 17, 2011 - Ecuador

"I am sitting on the beach as I write this. [...] I love seeing the waves crash into the sand; I am trying to figure out what they mean. I love the way the once smooth water heaves itself onto the shore, only to break a second later. I feel like this is the embodiment of surrender - our careers, relationships, etc. move forward until we reach a point where we cannot go any farther unless we break. Movement requires brokenness, surrender."

July 19, 2011 - Traveling

"So I'm sitting on the plane from Miami to LA and my ears are popping so bad. I can feel the pressure in my sinuses and I can barely hear what's going on around me. It's crazy to think that this is all due to a change in altitude. I can't help but think that this can become the condition of my spiritual ears as well. Life change brings on internal pressure that builds, and eventually it is harder to hear God speak, even if this is change brought about by Him in the first place. The solution to this is simple: balance. Just like feeling better as the pressure in my sinuses comes into balance upon landing. As this applies to life, I think that the phrase managing tension makes sense - the more we come into balance in terms of abiding and fruitfulness and up, in, and out the better we can hear God speak to us."

Conclusion

Upon reflecting on my experience over the past few weeks, I feel like God has been extremely intentional in teaching me lessons of what it is to relate to Him as His kid, what it is to depend on Him, and how to engage in the moment like Jesus did. He is incredibly generous and faithful. I think that I'm going to continue unearthing things that He showed me while in Ecuador and I'm totally excited for it.

Sunlight

So, if we talk often, you know I LOVE prescribing meaning to seemingly ordinary things. I'm an NF. It's what I do!

I am trying so hard to get a tan. If you're like me, you have to sit in the sun for a long time before your skin begins to change color. I find myself wondering how long it will take before I will actually see the change.

I was sitting outside this morning when I realized that my relationship with God is a lot like trying to get a tan. The more time I spend in His presence, the more my very being reflects Him. Each encounter with Him brings more abundant life and greater change in who I am. Like any tan, an absence from God's presence causes our character to fade. It is my highest hope that people see His reflection in the way I try to love them, serve them, and honor them. Think about it, we don't have to do anything to get tan. We just sit there.

Clueless

Pretty sure I never saw this coming. Oops. My bad.

It's kind of like arriving somewhere and not being able to remember how you got there. At this 'destination,' my schedule is different, my relationships are starting to look very different, work looks different, rest looks different. Many of my dreams are coming true and I have no idea how.

Maybe I'm just not used to dreams becoming reality...

• Amazing provision
• Turning my ring
• Going overseas to do missions
• Amazing community
• Getting to invest in people and see them grow
• People of peace

Recently, it dawned on me that this was really happening and it became this kairos that required my almost immediate attention. In previous seasons, I've kind of known what to expect and I've done my best to brace myself for what was coming. In this season, I am completely and utterly clueless and totally okay with it.

This time, it is so different. I find myself living in the middle of my dreams, not even knowing that they started without me. When I asked Jesus about it, He said that these things were the tangible breakthroughs of the work that He had been doing beneath the surface of my heart. Essentially, He made them happen. I didn't.

It still continues to blow my mind that my life isn't about making things happen. The way I live my life is an active response to what God is already doing. I love the kind of freedom this creates - There is no trying or working hard. There is only following His footsteps and feeling easy and light about it.

I could get used to this.

Coffee & Kites

So, if we talk often, you know that I LOVE prescribing meaning to seemingly ordinary things. I'm an NF. It's what I do!

Coffee

It's not so much coffee itself, but the way people order it. In case you don't know, I'm a barista and the coffee orders I sometimes get are ridiculous. I don't mind the complicated small latte-only a pump and a half of caramel, no more no less-soy milk steamed to 135 degrees- extra shot of espresso-1 inch of room orders. It's the people who don't know how to order coffee that drive me a little crazy. They approach nervously, refuse to make eye contact, and ask me which kind of latte has espresso in it. ...Every latte has espresso. And then there are the people who try to order that thing their friend got that one time, except they don't know the name of it or what it tastes like. Those are the people that make me want to shake my head and roll my eyes.

I wonder if Jesus goes a little crazy when we don't know how to ask for what we want from Him. Like, there are the people that just go for it, telling Him everything they want from the Spirit. They know exactly what to expect from Jesus and they have confidence that He will deliver. And then there are the people that don't know the vocabulary so well. They enter awkwardly into His presence, not even knowing the needs in their souls that He wants to satisfy. I think I fall somewhere in the middle of these two extremes - there are times when I boldly ask Him for what I already know He wants to give, and others when I barely know that I need something from Him, let alone what. I've come to the conclusion that Jesus has far more grace than I do. I'm comforted by the fact that, when I don't know what to pray, the Spirit intercedes for me (Romans 8:26-28). As long as we come to Him, expecting to receive, we will do just that!

Kites

I flew one recently.

As I was standing there watching it flutter in the wind, I understood a little more about life on God's terms. It's a lesson in dependence, really.

Alone, my life is as flimsy and small as a kite still in the package. It's a good thing the Spirit, like the wind, is expansive, artful, and powerful. I love the way that Jesus empowers us to soar beyond the bounds of what we think is possible. It further goes to show that we can do absolutely nothing without Him. The more we rely on Him, the higher and farther we go. There's just no other way. I think I'm learning more and more that, to be as high as a kite, I've got to let the Spirit call the shots.

Welcome to my Orchard

I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm on the cusp of huge change (for reals this time). My future is still smacking me in the face... And on and on.

I just feel like there is so much to celebrate. Even though a lot of this stuff seems huge and ridiculous and crazy, it's really ... not. Even the really hard stuff has an aura of easy and lightness about it.

I know that seems strange, so let me explain. I've finally reached a point in my life where I understand the assets that God has given me and how to use them - I'm finally starting to see tangible fruit from the work that Jesus has been doing in my heart.

These are some of the trees Jesus has cultivated to fruition:

Kairos

This is what brings Jesus' word to life for me and the method by which I get to experience the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. Everything that happens to me is an opportunity for it. By simply figuring out what God is saying and applying it, I've seen breakthrough after breakthrough in several areas of my life. I've become a junkie - I'm so addicted and I know how to get my fix.

Armor

It keeps me safe and gives me the strength to fight the enemy. The parts I connect with most right now are the breast plate and the peace cleats. Right relationship with God covers my heart from damage. I have come to understand that guarding my heart is more about pursuing a relationship with Jesus and less about saying 'no' to the wrong kind of boy. Peace keeps me steadfast and holds me to His promises. From a place of peace, I am no longer knocked down by the blows of the enemy. Peace is spiritual victory, a powerful weapon against the chaos of this world.

Word

It may sound cheesy, but I'm starting to view the reading of my Bible as a feast where I get to partake of something incredibly rich and sacred. I've seen entire days turn from bad to good, just from taking breaks to remind myself of truths concerning my identity, God's power, and the fact that He's always got my back. Romans 8 is a favorite right now. More than a conqueror!

Community

You know who you are.

You're the people who kick my butt when I need it. You encourage me and remind me of God's promises. You laugh at me and with me. You supply me with tons of vision and grace. You cry with me. You put up with my crazy infp shenanigans. You ask me how my week is going. You buy me coffee. You intercede on my behalf. You help me with my car stuff. You teach me everything you know. You put up with the fact that I am always 5+ minutes late. We have lots of conversations in parking lots. You write on my facebook wall and send me lots of messages. You let me hang out at your house a lot. You write me letters. You lead lives worth imitating.

I feel so wealthy and so privileged, knowing that God wants to give me everything. What I've received thus far is abundant and amazing. Ha and there's more!

Hello, D3. I kind of like you so far.

Two Cents

A friend of mine posted this video this week and it sparked quite the conversation about dating and relationships in a list of comments on Facebook. 'Waiting' and all that it entails must be a hot topic right now. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's always a hot topic; 20 somethings like me love to analyze it to death. So here are my thoughts.

I long to be loved. Like, my soul begs for it. I've wanted to be loved since the day I was born. I cried for my mom to pick me up and hold me, I wanted friends who would accept me and invite me to slumber parties, I got butterflies when that dreamy guy would look my way or say my name. All symptoms of this huge, Grand Canyon-sized chasm in my heart that can never be filled by perfect parents, awesome friends, or dreamy boys.

For me, every time I get to know Jesus better, I find that my relationship with Him reflects a greater, more satisfying version of friendship, romance, and sense of belonging than the shadowy earthly parallels I've know for the last 21 years and 8 months of my life. He's created me to receive from Him in friendship, romance, and identity (father/ daughter relationship), and countless other ways I'm sure I've yet to experience. These relationships we have on earth only help us enjoy and understand Him more; they are essentially the icing on some kind of proverbial cake.

I used to think that being single was some sort of penance for my parent's shortcomings in raising me or maybe the fact that I don't resemble a supermodel. I thought all the 'good ones' were taken and that I was somehow found undeserving.

Had Jesus forgotten that I needed to be loved??? Of course not.

Was He ignoring my requests because I wasn't pretty enough??? He thought the world of me.

Did He care at all??? Only enough to die so I could live in freedom.

Didn't he know that all the other girls had boyfriends??? Of course, but that's just irrelevant.

Why was He holding out on me? He wanted to give me everything.

First I had to learn that I am adored by the most romantic Lover of all time. He knows and understands my heart, my dreams, and my pet peeves. He knows all my quirks and shortcomings and sees me at my ugliest, yet never abandons me for a new or better version. A lot of this took place my freshman year of college - I'll never forget the first time my heart understood that He loved me; I remember feeling like a 5 year old who had just learned the song 'Jesus Loves Me' for the first time. The fact that He loved me personally and never wanted me to feel alone was divinely earth-shattering.

Second, I had to understand that He wanted to teach me how to be a woman after His heart. And so I allowed Him to start building my character and to teach me how to give and receive love. Almost naturally my desire to date decreased to almost nothing. That was such a time of intense growth - I learned to hunger after His word, constantly lay myself down in surrender, listen for His voice, and enjoy His presence to the point of laughter and tears. These are lessons I am still learning. The 'wait' has become a beautiful, challenging adventure into His heart and character. There is no striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman, there is simply saying 'yes' to the unforced rhythms of His grace and following His leadership.

I'm in a bit of a different stage of life right now, but the lessons learned in these two previous seasons still play a massive and increasingly deep role in my heart. What I know now is that, just as He has been teaching me to love and live like Him, He's also inviting and challenging my future husband in these same ways.

That being said, I've learned not to look for someone as perfect as Jesus because the real deal has, after all, been pursuing me since the dawn of time. I'm pretty sure fueling that desire could lead to a lifetime of bitterness and unmet expectations anyway. All I can do is invite Him into my imperfections and trust that my future husband will do the same.

So let's let Jesus be Jesus and let Him work through our imperfections. It'll all come together someday. For right now, we get to enjoy the peace that comes with knowing that we are wanted, the joy that comes from knowing He cherishes us, and the sweet electricity that comes from His presence.

Narcissism

I was in a seminar class a few weeks ago listening to a lecture on the DSM-IV-VTR when I learned that the disorder for narcissism is being taken out of the next edition because most everyone born after 1985 fit the characteristics. Narcissism is now a norm, not a disorder. Isn't that crazy?

We are a generation defined by our love for ourselves.

If you take a minute to reflect, I think you will agree that this is the case.

Since learning that, every kairos I experience seems to be exclusively about me and the condition of my heart.

In essence, it's not about me ... But it's about me.

The Urban Plunge

Dude. Don't know if you've ever been leveled by Jesus, but I totally was. With every session of inductive Bible study, every powerful worship time, and every evening speaker, Jesus exposed all of these attitudes in my heart that were totally breaking His. Many of these were perspectives and frustrations that I'd been projecting onto other people, ways that I had judged others for not sharing my passions and vision. At the end of it all, I realized that I had been acting as if the Body of Christ was about me. I was seeing myself as THE part of the Body, not ONE part. What I realized is that I had started to identify myself by my passions, rather than relying on the Lord for my identity. So crazy.

Here is what I learned: I am who I am because Jesus loves me, not because I love Urban Plunge and Herrera, not because I want to devote my life to helping others, not because I play music and lead worship on occasion. The things that I do are an expression of His love for me. Other parts of the Body do what they do because He first loved them. All different expressions of the same identity. How could I possibly resent those He loves and has given distinct responsibility? Wow.

Clumsy/ Everything

If you've been tracking with me during the past few months, you know that I'm in a D2 season, and character is of the essence. It seems that, lately, I've been falling all over myself in every attempt to keep pressing forward towards D3. My well-rehearsed worship set? So awkward. Communication with those in leadership over me? Terrible. My attention to detail? Lacking. My dependence on Jesus? Missing. Inspiration for growth? Myself. Hmmmm see the connection? All of these random little stories are actually kind of hilarious. If you want a good laugh, I'll tell you each one over coffee sometime.

What I've been learning: My life isn't about me. Revolutionary, isn't it? I feel like I've been living out of my own capacity, talent, and power, not that of Jesus. Ha! No wonder. When I think about it, Jesus has given me a great deal of favor in different areas, but I've not been faithful with it. What does faithfulness look like? Faithfulness looks like being at peace with my weakness and relying on Him for opportunities and strength. Faithfulness looks like releasing everything - all that exists in my life - to Him at every turn.

My will. My emotions. My relationships. My dreams. My worship. My devotion. Everything back to the one who created it.

Banning Liebscher

I got to hear Banning Liebscher speak at Church for the Nations on Saturday night. Oh my goodness. He shared testimony after testimony of God's power being poured out in our generation - people being healed, loved, and raised from the dead. So powerful! He talked about how, as the redeemed, we are in the business of revival, that we could see whole cities come to know Jesus if we allowed ourselves to be set apart to holiness. Not set apart from sin. Set apart to holiness. The reason we separate from sin is to give EVERYTHING (That word again!), every part of ourselves to God, getting authority from Him, and living as slaves to Christ. We can only move in power when we give Jesus everything. Power of salvation and redemption. Isn't that exciting?

The lesson: It's about Jesus and His heart for the world. I am where I am to bring revival. Not to bring Amanda. There is something powerful about choosing Jesus over every other option out there - options like pride, success, and temporary satisfaction. Saying yes to Jesus automatically means saying no to myself. So how do I bring revival? I simply say yes. Yes to Jesus. Yes to His power. Yes to divine reality. Yes to everything, really.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Pot/ the Conclusion

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

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¹⁴ but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

If I were a perfect pot, completely whole, not cracked in any way, how could people ever experience the living water that is Jesus?

Ha good thing the water's more important than the pot.

Here's to saying no to pot and yes to Him.