Bird Life

"When you find yourself united with the One who has overcome all that you my ever fear, risk is the freedom of a bird in flight."

The most inviting and challenging thing about Jesus right now is learning to live with the freedom and trust that the birds have. There is so much in my life that is still coming to fruition, so I constantly feel like I'm toddling back and forth between discovering the truth of His promises and understanding that I need to trust Him so much more to see the desires of my heart unfold. I am completely convinced that Jesus' plan for my life is to move me to greater and greater dependence as He takes me to horizons I have yet to even know exist.

As of recently, destinations that once seemed so far away are suddenly within my grasp. As much as these are dreams come true for me, I am realizing that surrender and saying 'yes' to Jesus are more important than ever.

First of all, I burn for a lot of things - my generation, revival in the church, discipleship, mission, and loving people holistically (bio-psycho-social-spiritual dimensions), to name a few. While working on the Urban Plunge last year, I got to work closely with Tracey Beal and realized that she and I have an almost identical set of passions. The beautiful part of all of this is that Tracey is about 27 steps ahead of me in life. Throughout the past year, I have been immensely blessed by her and inspired by the soul-deep and generation-wide impact that she has. In the past few months, it has really become clear that I have a lot to learn from Tracey, in terms of how to push the boundaries of the church, balance passion with love for people, be a graceful apostle, and connect people with the true heart of God. Recently, I have also felt stirred to combine my social work education with my passion for ministry by wanting to teach pastors and churches to care for their people and communities multidimensionally. You might think me strange, but I dream about things like the syllabi I would write for Bible college classes I someday want to teach and how the Church could function if we truly grasped ahold of collaborating with one another to bring the Kingdom to earth.

This has been such a season of pressing hard in surrender and learning to be free of my worries for my ever nearing future, mainly in regard to what kind of job I will get after I graduate. Because my dreams are so huge, my realistic side, though usually quieter then the dreamer inside of me, has been thinking that it could take years before I actually see them through. That all changed during a meeting with Tracey about a week ago...

We were sitting in her office dreaming when she reintroduced an idea of mentoring me to orchestrate the Urban Plunge as a vehicle for teaching churches to find assets in their communities and bring heaven to earth in their neighborhoods. This would be my job - We are only beginning to explore ways to fund this position. A risk. Yes, I wonder about how I will pay my bills. Yes, I know that this will stretch me beyond measure. Yes, I understand that the unknowns outnumber the knowns.

My answer is yes.

I cannot tell you how very strange it is that dreams that once seemed so distant are now becoming close realities. Like every little girl, I have dreamed about being pursued and falling in love. As you know, Jesus has proven Himself faithful in pursuing my heart into deeper relationship with Him, and I have spent the past few years becoming absolutely smitten with my Savior.

About a year and a half ago, another man entered my life through friendship. A little less than a year ago, I began to think that maybe I liked him, based on the Fruit that was coming from his life. Taylor, my acquaintance became Taylor my friend, who then became Taylor, my close friend. For about six months, we talked almost daily about our values, the way we saw life, and what we saw God doing all around us. During this time, I started to think that I liked him and that it was highly probable that this was mutual. I can't tell you how many times Jesus and I talked about him and how often I had to completely surrender my feelings for him. Around May, I decided that Taylor and I were probably just going to stay friends. I liked him, but decided that his feelings for me were phileo in nature.

... And then a week later, he called me. Lunch followed the next day. I'm pretty sure you can guess what happened. On May 21st, Taylor, my close friend became Taylor, the guy I was dating - Low commitment, little affection, increasing friendship. In July, Taylor, the guy I was dating, became Taylor, my boyfriend.

Since then, I have had to surrender more than ever. Checking my feelings at the door when Jesus and I talk about life and the future has become the norm. All the while, Taylor and I have found that our feelings for each other are accelerating in intensity and volume. We have sought hard to maintain balance, pay attention to Spirit, and receive input and encouragement from some key people who know what they are doing when it comes to being in love.

We recognize that life is a story well-written by our generous creator, and everyday, it is becoming increasingly apparent that we have an important role to play in each other's stories. To be honest, I am ecstatic about Taylor. He has become an even better friend to me than I ever could have imagined, and I am honored to be pursued by him. This is a story still being written, but I have to say that we are enjoying every word.

There is something incredibly sweet and powerful about trusting Jesus with my love life and knowing that He will continue to care for my heart. Romance with Jesus continues to be a source of deep excitement for me, and learning to be His little bird is a beautiful and increasingly satisfying process that I will probably be discovering for the rest of my life.

Fathers be good to your Daughters (and vice versa)

I feel like I am in a new season of learning my identity with God on a much deeper level. I think it's amazing how limitless all of this is - I feel like I have received a lot from Him in this area, but I have realized that I need more.

Starting with PT, God has totally been inviting me to be His daughter. There were so many times in Ecuador when I could hear Him teaching me lessons about being a child, specifically His child. If you know me well, you know that my relationship with my dad is really complicated and difficult for a variety of reasons. In the midst of that, God has been way intentional in healing parts of my heart as they were ready to receive it.  This is definitely a season of more - Learning to see Him as Father is making me an even better daughter.  I didn't sign up for this, nor did expect it, but I feel like this season is equipping me to be a better wife, an amazing parent someday, and an even more enthusiastic lover of life.

This is the kind of relationship and the kind of Father I am discovering: 

• Little girls who have a healthy relationship with their dads are confident and humble - they know where they stand with their dad; they know they are wanted and loved and do not have to pursue attention elsewhere.
• Women who have a healthy relationship with their dads are interdependent - They are able to do things on their own, but still depend on their dads for love and support.
• Fathers balance the invitation of unconditional love and acceptance and the challenge of pushing their daughters to reach their greatest potential.
• Great dads balance giving their daughters what they need and want and teaching their daughters to to access those things on their own.
• They fight. In they end, they both feel heard, understood, and loved.
• Good dads know what they are talking about and give solid advice to their daughters who, in turn, receive and apply it.
• Daughters obey their fathers not because they have to, but because they want to out of respect and appreciation for his authority.
• Little girls whose dads can do anything and give them everything are completely fearless.
• Dads don't let their daughters go hungry, naked, or unsheltered. They will do anything to protect them, make every sacrifice necessary to provide.
• They spend quality time together. Time marked by delighting in each other and becoming closer.  

What I have been learning is that I cannot get closer to God, my Father, without letting Him free me from the resentments I hold towards my earthly dad.  It's simply impossible.  Painful.  Wonderful. Humbling. The more I see that He loves me, the more I can admit that I am wrong when I have overstepped my bounds.  The more I understand about the reoccurring miracles that came from His sacrifice, the more I feel convicted to forgive things that once seemed irreparable.  For everything that I lack from my dad, my Father gives to me a hundred fold.  I have watched Him provide for me over and over again.  I have felt His comforting embrace time and time again.  I have been challenged by His sweetness and selflessness more times than I can count. 

This is only the start of all of this.  Love.

I love the Postal Service [and Jesus]

Today, I found Jesus in Brand New Colony. That is all.

I'l be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit like a perfect gentleman [I will be everything needed to sustain and satisfy you; eat and drink of me]

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and complete your day [I will be your refuge; make your home in me and explore my dreams for you]

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning in an open tab when your judgement's on the brink [I will renew your mind when your thoughts overwhelm you]

I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep... [I will sing over you in your rest and tell you how much I love you]

I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you; you won't have to strain to look into my eyes [I will redeem your past and free you of shame so that you can grow closer to me]

I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch cold [I will protect you and barricade you off from anything that seeks to harm you or take away what I have promised you]

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth [Come away with me, away from the fears that surround you and fight for your attention]

We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony [I will free you from the bondages of death and give you Life]

Where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names (identities erased) [I will renew and deepen your identity as love, daughter, and warrior princess]

The sun will heat the ground under our bare feet. In this brand new colony, everything will change [In this adventure we are on, I will take you gently by the hand and lead you into radical life change]

Upcoming themes in my life: Rest, Identity, Guidance, Dependence, Freedom. Let's do this.

Reflections on Ecuador

I am attempting to pull myself together enough to write about my recent trip to Ecuador. Rather than trying to summarize my experiences, I have decided to type out some excerpts from my journal.

July 7, 2011 - Orientation

"I just feel like there is so much more from God that I am meant to receive on this trip. I feel like God has set me up to encounter more of Him and the things I get will move me toward more healing in my heart for my dad, clarity in my relationship with Taylor, deepened compassion, and challenged faith and perception of miracles. I feel a growth spurt coming on, like my world is about to be rocked upside down and inside out by the Holy Spirit. There is more from Him that I so badly want to receive. It's like I am massively thirsty but can't seem to quench my thirst, all the while wanting gulp after gulp of Jesus. I'll take Him any way I can get Him."

After writing this, I heard God say: "Amanda, start picking your promises, the things you want to receive. I have them all to give you. Healing? Of course. Influence? I will make you glow in the dark. Power poured out? I am your outlet."

July 8, 2011 - Orientation

"I felt like a little girl during worship tonight - my Daddy could do anything and give me everything. I kept feeling like God was brushing against my skin and holding me. It was entirely wonderful. I also feel like He called out all my fears, bubbling them up to the surface and gently brushing them away. They are not gone yet, but I feel lighter. It occurred to me that little girls whose daddy can do anything and give them everything are fearless."

July 10, 2011 - Traveling

"I find it ironic that I walked through gate D1 to board this plane to Guayaquil. I don't know if I have any concept of what to expect. I know the basics, like what I will be doing, but I can't wait to see the ways that Heaven is going to meet earth on this trip. Where am I going to encounter God? What miracles will I see? How will I get to know Him better? For the first time since Wednesday, I feel rested and ready - Before I left, Taylor (stud that he is) reminded me of that verse in Isaiah 40 that talks about running and not growing weary and that God has all the strength in the universe to give me. So good. This is way exciting!"

July 11, 2011 - Ecuador

"So we are in Ecuador. I still don't fully know what to expect, but I'm really tired. Today we are starting our VBS program for the children here. I already find it amazing how simple life is here - happiness requires so little, people only do and buy what they have the resources for, and contentment seems to run rampant. It's the whole idea of trusting God with what He has given me today and trusting Him to provide for me tomorrow (Matthew 6:30-33)."

"Today we prayed for a little boy with a fever - he was completely well and eating lunch a half hour later. It's amazing how much the kids love us and want to be around us just because we are American and come from a country they view as flowing with opportunity and prosperity. I think this runs parallel to the way that we interact with God - when we recognize who He is and that He wants to give us Heaven on earth, we can't help but want to be with Him. This certainly gives new perspective to living like a child..."

July 13, 2011 - Ecuador

I think I am starting to appreciate the ministry of presence so much more. I came here expecting to see God's power and miracles. Though these are definitely ways of sharing the gospel, I am coming to understand how beautiful it is just to be with people. All these kids want is for us to hold them - I think this is the core of Jesus' ministry. Just being there for the sake of others and showing up, no matter the cost. I think that, in some ways, this is harder for me than praying for healing or other miracles."

July 14, 2011 - Ecuador

I think I experienced one of the more beautiful moments of my life tonight. After dinner, we were playing with the kids and I ended up dancing with and holding a couple of the little girls. One of the girls sang a song about Jesus to me. Another girl came and practically fell asleep in my arms. In that moment, despite the fact that I was so tired and had a ton on my mind about home, I wanted nothing more than to be doing what I was doing. I just felt so content! This moment embodied meaning and is completely beyond words to me, especially since I have been struggling with having Jesus' heart of compassion for these kids. In that moment, I heard God saying that this is how He feels when He holds me - overflowing with love and compassion, completely content, and like there is nothing else in the world He would rather be doing."

July 15, 2011 - Ecuador

"I just waved goodbye to some of the most vulnerable and beautiful children I have ever met. When they get off the bus, many of them will go back to families who cannot feed or take care of them. Some will work all weekend, begging for anything they can get. Some will be abused and unloved. Here they have so little, but I can feel the love and the presence of God. It's strange to go from not knowing them to playing with them and sharing most of every day with them to waving goodbye to them as they board a bus back to their families. Talk about emotional whiplash... We all cried as we said goodbye and I'm pretty sure God did too because the sky opened up and it started pouring rain as they got on the bus and drove away from us. I am so heartbroken, but I know there is hope for them - the promises of Jesus still ring true. He loves them, oh how He loves them."

July 17, 2011 - Ecuador

"I am sitting on the beach as I write this. [...] I love seeing the waves crash into the sand; I am trying to figure out what they mean. I love the way the once smooth water heaves itself onto the shore, only to break a second later. I feel like this is the embodiment of surrender - our careers, relationships, etc. move forward until we reach a point where we cannot go any farther unless we break. Movement requires brokenness, surrender."

July 19, 2011 - Traveling

"So I'm sitting on the plane from Miami to LA and my ears are popping so bad. I can feel the pressure in my sinuses and I can barely hear what's going on around me. It's crazy to think that this is all due to a change in altitude. I can't help but think that this can become the condition of my spiritual ears as well. Life change brings on internal pressure that builds, and eventually it is harder to hear God speak, even if this is change brought about by Him in the first place. The solution to this is simple: balance. Just like feeling better as the pressure in my sinuses comes into balance upon landing. As this applies to life, I think that the phrase managing tension makes sense - the more we come into balance in terms of abiding and fruitfulness and up, in, and out the better we can hear God speak to us."

Conclusion

Upon reflecting on my experience over the past few weeks, I feel like God has been extremely intentional in teaching me lessons of what it is to relate to Him as His kid, what it is to depend on Him, and how to engage in the moment like Jesus did. He is incredibly generous and faithful. I think that I'm going to continue unearthing things that He showed me while in Ecuador and I'm totally excited for it.

Sunlight

So, if we talk often, you know I LOVE prescribing meaning to seemingly ordinary things. I'm an NF. It's what I do!

I am trying so hard to get a tan. If you're like me, you have to sit in the sun for a long time before your skin begins to change color. I find myself wondering how long it will take before I will actually see the change.

I was sitting outside this morning when I realized that my relationship with God is a lot like trying to get a tan. The more time I spend in His presence, the more my very being reflects Him. Each encounter with Him brings more abundant life and greater change in who I am. Like any tan, an absence from God's presence causes our character to fade. It is my highest hope that people see His reflection in the way I try to love them, serve them, and honor them. Think about it, we don't have to do anything to get tan. We just sit there.

Clueless

Pretty sure I never saw this coming. Oops. My bad.

It's kind of like arriving somewhere and not being able to remember how you got there. At this 'destination,' my schedule is different, my relationships are starting to look very different, work looks different, rest looks different. Many of my dreams are coming true and I have no idea how.

Maybe I'm just not used to dreams becoming reality...

• Amazing provision
• Turning my ring
• Going overseas to do missions
• Amazing community
• Getting to invest in people and see them grow
• People of peace

Recently, it dawned on me that this was really happening and it became this kairos that required my almost immediate attention. In previous seasons, I've kind of known what to expect and I've done my best to brace myself for what was coming. In this season, I am completely and utterly clueless and totally okay with it.

This time, it is so different. I find myself living in the middle of my dreams, not even knowing that they started without me. When I asked Jesus about it, He said that these things were the tangible breakthroughs of the work that He had been doing beneath the surface of my heart. Essentially, He made them happen. I didn't.

It still continues to blow my mind that my life isn't about making things happen. The way I live my life is an active response to what God is already doing. I love the kind of freedom this creates - There is no trying or working hard. There is only following His footsteps and feeling easy and light about it.

I could get used to this.

Coffee & Kites

So, if we talk often, you know that I LOVE prescribing meaning to seemingly ordinary things. I'm an NF. It's what I do!

Coffee

It's not so much coffee itself, but the way people order it. In case you don't know, I'm a barista and the coffee orders I sometimes get are ridiculous. I don't mind the complicated small latte-only a pump and a half of caramel, no more no less-soy milk steamed to 135 degrees- extra shot of espresso-1 inch of room orders. It's the people who don't know how to order coffee that drive me a little crazy. They approach nervously, refuse to make eye contact, and ask me which kind of latte has espresso in it. ...Every latte has espresso. And then there are the people who try to order that thing their friend got that one time, except they don't know the name of it or what it tastes like. Those are the people that make me want to shake my head and roll my eyes.

I wonder if Jesus goes a little crazy when we don't know how to ask for what we want from Him. Like, there are the people that just go for it, telling Him everything they want from the Spirit. They know exactly what to expect from Jesus and they have confidence that He will deliver. And then there are the people that don't know the vocabulary so well. They enter awkwardly into His presence, not even knowing the needs in their souls that He wants to satisfy. I think I fall somewhere in the middle of these two extremes - there are times when I boldly ask Him for what I already know He wants to give, and others when I barely know that I need something from Him, let alone what. I've come to the conclusion that Jesus has far more grace than I do. I'm comforted by the fact that, when I don't know what to pray, the Spirit intercedes for me (Romans 8:26-28). As long as we come to Him, expecting to receive, we will do just that!

Kites

I flew one recently.

As I was standing there watching it flutter in the wind, I understood a little more about life on God's terms. It's a lesson in dependence, really.

Alone, my life is as flimsy and small as a kite still in the package. It's a good thing the Spirit, like the wind, is expansive, artful, and powerful. I love the way that Jesus empowers us to soar beyond the bounds of what we think is possible. It further goes to show that we can do absolutely nothing without Him. The more we rely on Him, the higher and farther we go. There's just no other way. I think I'm learning more and more that, to be as high as a kite, I've got to let the Spirit call the shots.