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So I was entirely perplexed by something up until this week, but now I feel like I've achieved a new level of understanding.

Let me back up by saying that Holy Spirit has lived in my heart since I was five years old. I grew in my faith a lot when I was a little kid, however, as I started to get older, my life became a lot fuller. You could probably have called my heart cluttered. I'm sure Holy Spirit lived in there somewhere, but I had probably banished Him Harry Potter-style to a closet under the stairs. Throughout High School, I would go to camp, or on a mission trip, or to a retreat, and I would experience Holy Spirit so heavily, but then I would go home and clutter up my life again. This frustrated me because I wanted to experience God's presence everyday. Anyways, fast forward.

My church went through this small group series in January called "Push it to the Limit." Now before you start humming that Corbin Bleu song, let me tell you what this series was all about. The big idea was margin - margin in our time, finances, workplaces, ministry, and morality. My first reaction to this series was one of a skeptic. I didn't feel like I had any space in those areas to give God. So I continued on in frustration.

For some reason, about a month after this series ended, I decided I needed some space, so I started getting up earlier to spend time with God, actually tithing, and planning my time better. I've reaped some amazing things like shortened or canceled classes, extra babysitting jobs, and effective study time. What had perplexed me before is that my schedule was so packed that I couldn't even fathom spending time with God. Little did I know that spending time with God would result in Him unpacking my schedule for me! Growing in vulnerability with Holy Spirit has put me on a whole new level of intimacy with Him. Where He might have been banished into a closet before, I'm putting Him up in a penthouse with a view now!

Looking at the Heart

Let me start this off by saying that I really should be studying for midterms right now. But I'm stuck. You see, my life sciences midterm is on several of the body's systems (ie. urinary, respiratory, circulatory etc.). We're required to know the parts of the heart and how the blood circulates through our bodies. This is the part I'm stuck on - the heart has so many parts that I'm struggling to understand it all. Not to bore you with the details, deoxygenated blood enters the heart through one chamber, runs through the lungs, and enters our bodies from the other side. It's just so ... complex.

It's amazing how "Aha" moments always coincide with other key realizations. Though I'm perplexed by the complexity of the heart, I can't help but see a connection to our hearts in a spiritual sense. The heart gives life to the body by providing it with oxygen. In this way, I feel like I'm delving deeper into God's heart for His people than I ever have before. I'm reading this book called "The Ragamuffin Gospel." It's all about God's heart for broken people, people who lack the "oxygen-giving life" of grace and unconditional love. We're all broken people whose hearts don't function properly. We lack oxygen! Some of us aknowledge the fact that we are gasping for air, and some of us are completely unaware of it, but when we connect our hearts with God's, we aquire life, we can breathe again. His heart functions perfectly to support a healthy body, a Holy one, even!

"The Shoulds"

Hey all,

Do you ever notice that life is full of shoulds and should/would/could haves? For example, I should be working on a rough draft that's due on Monday. I could have worked on it last night, but didn't. But I'll forget about that for now. There is a ton on my mind. I guess you could say that I have a case of "The Shoulds," that illness that will probably plague us all until we die.

The events of this week have put me on overload. I have found that as I have begun growing in intimacy with Holy Spirit, everything has been going crazy in my life. Somethings have been a good kind of crazy, like having one of my best friends in town for spring break or being presented with amazing new opportunities. Some of this craziness also comes from seeing Holy Spirit begin to move and shake within my church. I feel like the good craziness is a distraction from focusing on what could be happening, but I also feel like it is a push for what should be. Though I'm grateful for the good craziness of this week, there has been a lot of discouraging crazy stuff that has happened as well...

First of all, my parents discovered a pipe leak in our kitchen that has left us without a sink, a dishwasher, or any counters. This drastic "forced kitchen remodel," as I like to call it, has launched us all into confusion and frustration for sure.

If that wasn't enough to deal with this week, I was in a car accident on Wednesday. After eating lunch with my best friend, Emily, I decided to go to a bookstore. I bought 'Ragamuffin Gospel' by Brennan Manning, an amazing book that I didn't know we already owned. Anyways, as I was backing out, someone else was backing out as well. I saw her and stopped, but she wasn't looking and kept right on going. My car is now sporting a nice-sized dent on the right hand corner of the back bumper. It would have seemed that we were both at fault, since we were both backing out. I was terrified and overwhelmed. Fortunately, her insurance took liability since I was stopped. I'm still praising God for this!

Even though this week has been kind of crazy bad, I still feel secure in the fact that God has my back (and my family's). He is so good through everything and I'm grateful for His presence in my life.

And then there is the decision about moving out next year. "To be, or not to be, that is the question." I have the opportunity of moving into an apartment with a few of my friends from younglife. It's an amazing opportunity. Fortunately Holy Spirit has given me peace of heart and mind, though I am truly wrestling with this decision. It is my desire, first and foremost to be faithful with my money, but I also have a strong desire to ditch the parents and live with some people my own age for once. Anyways, I'm still praying for wisdom with this one. I know that if this is what God desires for me, He will provide.