Four Little Letters

I'm sitting here finding it difficult to do something right now, so I might as well blog :]

http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html Idealist. I've been so busy that I've had to live my life like a J lately, and that's been really hard. I can't wait to live like a P again. Okay, that's enough Myers-Briggs for now.

My life has been so crazy lately. It feels really good now that I'm starting to get back to semi-normal life. School. Work. Internship. Friends. That, I can handle.

I'm so stoked for Urban Plunge next weekend. There is nothing right now that could be closer to my heart. I'm so excited to be on leadership for this. I've just got to get through this week and and the wedding on Saturday.

I've been having a lot of Kairos moments lately - circular moments when it just feels like time stands still. I've processed some of them in my huddle, but I really just need introvert time. Maybe that's what I'm missing.

A lot of these Kairos moments revolve around:

-Jr. High students

-Callouses on my fingers from playing guitar

-Holy Spirit moments at Open Heaven

-Leading worship with Chris and Kelsi Jo Ozorio

-God's heart for the poor

-Sunday nights at Pure Heart

-Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

-Pandora radio

-Urban Plunge leaders meetings

-Toddy+half & half + chocolate and caramel sauce

-My spazzy laptop

-Self-sufficiency

-Fletcher Library

-New relationships

Hmmmm this is definitely a time of intense growth. I kind of love it.

Not to Mention Valentines Day

I love my life right now. I feel like so many dreams are coming true.

I have been pressing in for a job at Starbucks for 2 months because I knew that God was calling me to serve coffee to people. Well, I didn't get a job at Starbucks. I got a job at an awesome little coffee shop that fits me even better. I started training there this week, and it feels even more perfect all the time. The whole time that I was praying for a job, I kept telling God how I wanted to have time to do ministry. Welllll, the schedule is so perfect for that. I'm going to be working three mornings a week, and maybe picking up a few weekends starting in March.

I also started interning in student ministries. It doesn't really mean anything different from what I was doing before, but it does give me a title and a reference for a resume. I'm still unsure how I feel about it. I kind of want to do more, but it's probably best if I don't since my life is crazy as it is.

God has totally answered my prayer for deep-spirited friends. I feel so uplifted and energized every time I hang out with Brittney and Madi. This is another way that God has provided like crazy. These girls totally understand life and where I'm coming from. We were just made to be friends. Plain and simple. It's incredible to think that God has placed us in each other's lives. Instead of obsessing over boyfriends and status, like so many girls our age, we are choosing to focus all our love on Jesus, and we hold each other to that.

I cannot believe that my life-long friend, Emily, is getting married in a month! It seems like just yesterday that we were walking to the Circle K and climbing trees together. Being a bridesmaid is completely new territory for me. I've never been in a wedding before. I wish her the best, and I am praying for wisdom for her and her soon-to-be husband, George.

I keep falling more madly in love with Jesus all the time. It just feels so easy to me. Every time I step forward and ask for more of the Holy Spirit, I just receive it. It's changing the very person I am. I walk with a confidence and authority that is all His. Realizing how much He loves me and how much He wants to radically transform my very being continues to inspire me to live a bolder, more visible life. I used to try to be invisible because of all the insecurities I had, but now I just want people to see Him in all His glory. He is so wonderful and I owe everything I am to Him.

Apathy or action? Your choice.

This is more important than going out this weekend, buying a new outfit, or planning your next vacation. Will we be known as a generation more concerned about ourselves and our stuff, or will we be known for our sacrifices and desire to set things right?

Advocacy against child prostitution is something that I'm becoming incredibly passionate about. Did you know that the average age of entry into prostitution is 13? Does that concern you? It REALLY concerns me. Check the link below for more facts like this one.

It is imperative that we reorder our priorities. This is the only way that we can make a difference. Will your legacy revolve around always having your hair and make up done? How about the great parties you went to? Or maybe your great sense of style? This sounds incredibly shallow to me. I hope it does to you too. So join me.

Let's do something.

http://www.streetlightphx.com/

Life in the Fast Lane

2009 was literally the fastest year of my life to date. I don't think I've ever encountered so many life-changing events in one year. Here are just a few of them:

• I fell in love with Jesus. Don't get me wrong, I have loved Jesus for a very long time. However, I neglected to realize that He didn't just want a spoken commitment from me, He wanted to romance my heart. My relationship with God was one of reverent distance, rarely sprinkled with glimpses of Him until He ironically called me to fall more deeply in love with Him on Valentines Day. Isn't that sweet? Now, our relationship looks like an intimate friendship. I am learning what it is like to just spend time with Him, sans agenda. I am His Beloved and He is mine!

• I met some incredible people. The last part of 2008 was infused with so much loneliness for me. After graduating high school and starting college, I just felt so alone. It seemed like all my old friends had moved on, and I was too scared to make new ones. During 2009, I ventured out of myself a lot more and started going to a lot of Young Life events. I've met some amazing people there who totally get what life is supposed to be like. I'm so lucky to have an awesome small group and a great group of deep spirit friends. I am truly blessed with the blooming friendships in my life right now.

• I received calling and anointing from Holy Spirit. In April, a good friend of mine begged me to sign up for Project Timothy, which is a mission trip. During worship at orientation, I felt to surrendered to His will. I literally felt like I was on fire! Read Acts 2, if you want more details. He made me a carrier for His heart for social justice and poverty. I ended up going to Los Angeles, CA, where I saw God's love for the poor firsthand. His passion for me finally became my own. However, I sat on my calling for a few more months until He reached me again during worship. As the worship leader was singing about having God's heart, my hands heated up, and I saw myself throwing fire balls. It was entirely surreal and crazy, but it inspired me to start my own ministry called Louder Than Words, whose purpose is to train young people to live in Christ's footsteps and challenge the bonds of poverty and hunger on the world. My passion for student ministry also grew this year. I love those kids so much! I enjoy being a friend, big sister, and leader to them every Wednesday. I'm so convinced that ministry is my calling. And I'm ready to do anything to make that happen.

• I fasted from boys. God called me into a season of singleness this year, so I could fall more deeply in love with Him. Without the distraction of trying to find a date, God has used the time to refute so many of the lies that I had previously believed about myself. It also increased my capacity for ministry and building friendships. Letting myself fall in love with Jesus first is revolutionizing the way that I see relationships. He is preparing me for tons of ooey gooey love, and it's entirely exciting. I also took the opportunity to start writing in a journal for my future husband. My list of qualities that he will have is in there, as well as my prayers for him, and my dreams for our future. The fast is definitely not over yet, so I can't wait to see what God has for me in 2010!

• I owned 3 cars. I have no idea how I could possibly be so unlucky, but I had three accidents this year, two that totaled my car. Each accident was definitely laced by drama and frustration. However, I got to see God work through it every time. It was so reassuring to know that He was with me. I also learned to let go and trust Him. There were so many times where there was literally nothing more I could do, but God worked in the midst of the impossible. These accidents pushed me so far out of control of my life, that it became imperative for God to intervene and take the reins from me. Here's to no accidents next year.

• My heart became a garden. As a part of deepening my love for my savior, He has begun pulling weeds out everywhere in my life. During this year, I began to see that, in order for Him to heal me from some deep wounds in my heart, it was necessary for Him to pull weeds and break soil so that there would be room for new life. He is definitely making more room for something!

• I quit my job. In November, God told me to quit my job because He had something better in store for me. After over two years of dealing with stuck up moms, spoiled kids, and immature staff, I will be out of there in just a couple of weeks. I have Him at His word that He has a job for me that will support my call to ministry and my affinity for thrift stores, paying my bills, and hanging out with friends. I don't even know where I'll be working next, but Holy Spirit has definitely been whispering things to me about Starbucks. I'm in the process of applying to every Starbucks I know of, it's just a matter of finding the right one. It's like a treasure hunt.

My life is getting so exciting. I don't even know what to do with myself, but God does. Here's to 2010!

Preparation

This season just feels ... different. I'm definitely seeing things in a new way this year. Advent has been a bigger part of my life than ever before. In years past, I've always bypassed Advent because it wasn't even the main event. This year, however, Advent is hitting me upside the head. God is definitely preparing me, fashioning me to be more like Him. It's kind of hard, but it feels oh so good to just hang with Him. I'm learning to abide in Him so that I can increase my capacity for producing Fruit. It's good. Sometimes I just lay on my back and cry because I'm so humbled by His goodness. Other times, I sketch and paint or pick up my guitar. This abide piece is sooo good for me! So refreshing! For the first time in my life, I feel like my life is balanced - God is pouring so much out of me (This is a season of Fruitfulness), but He's also pouring so much into me. He is blessing me with so many new opportunities and new friendships. It's so good to have Deep Spirited friends again. I've finally found some people who see life the same way I do and who value me. I also joined a discipleship group, known as a Huddle, where I'm learning to let Holy Spirit take more control of my life. And then, on the other side of that scale, I'm starting a new ministry called Louder Than Words ( http://louderthnwords.blogspot.com/), and investing in youth ministry more than I ever have before. SO CRAZY.

So I quit my job last month because it couldn't support my growing capacity for ministry. As of mid-January, I am out of there! Holy Spirit has been whispering things in my head about Starbucks lately. So I've been filling out applications, and I know of a couple stores I want to apply at. I'm just so nervous to ask for a job, and so afraid of rejection! I know that He goes before and after me, but it's so hard to trust that He will provide. But seriously, when has He ever failed me? I just need to get over myself and do it. I also know that It's on my heart to intern in Student Ministries next semester, which is something I never thought of doing until this year. It's just up to Him to provide the right ministry opportunities.

Threshold Season

If you haven't heard of Joseph Campbell, you probably haven't heard of the Heroic Journey. I'll bet you anything that you've lived one, though. So it goes like this: You get called to adventure, you enter the journey by stepping across the threshold, people in your life function as helpers when you face challenges associated with your mission, you face your fears in the belly of the whale, you experience death and rebirth, and you receive a boon, which is basically a reward.

I'm so obsessed with the power of journey and story in my life right now. I recently moved from my old room into what used to be the guest bedroom. Sorting through all my junk was a big part of this move, and while doing so, I uncovered many artifacts of my journey up to this point. I'm so in awe right now of the way that God has been preparing my heart to step over the line and live the adventure that he has for me.

I received a powerful, undeniable call to adventure during the summer when the fire of Holy Spirit made a me a carrier of God's heart for Social Justice. I've been exploring this call for the last 4 months or so, and I feel this incredible urgency to take the next step, to leap over that threshold. In his book, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, Donald Miller writes, "Here's the thing about telling stories with your life. It's going to sound like a great idea, and you are going to get excited about it, and then when it comes time to do the work, you're not going to want to do it. [...] People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But JOY costs pain." It's time for me to do the work!

This is one of the weirdest, most intense feelings I've ever had. Half of what God is telling me almost doesn't make sense. He's calling me to sacrifice. He's promising blessings. He's giving me an urgent peace. This is just so incredibly odd. As a part of crossing the threshold, I quit my job, because I sensed that God wanted to bless me even more. I've committed to teaching others about God's passion for His people. My life is so unwritten right now, it's crazy,but I wouldn't have it any other way.

This is such a sweet season of life because I'm incredibly humbled by His grace, overwhelmed by what He has called me to, and so motivated to do His work. This is the Threshold Season.

In Morning

I'm not going to lie, the last six weeks of my life have been streaked with darkness. When my car got totaled (2nd time in 3 months), I experienced such a feelings of loss, disappointment, and frustration. In an instant, a collision, my seemingly full and abundant life became hectic and irritating. Essentially, the control I thought I had over my time crashed to the floor, scattering everywhere. All I could do was stand there and watch it unravel in slow motion. I further lost control when the other lady's insurance company gave me a hard time about the settlement. I had to fight with them for almost a month. It was so overwhelming, so out of control. Good thing God brings light, huh?

When I stopped trying to control everything, and gave it up to the fully capable Almighty, Holy Spirit brought me so much delight. I began to find peace in the midst of even the darkest of days. I could be in tears of frustration one moment, and then giddy with Holy Spirit the next. Suddenly being so out of control of my time and my life didn't seem like such a bad thing - it was kind of comforting to know that God was waiting to bless me at every corner of my day. I also gained awareness of miracles. As it turned out, I ended up getting less than my other car was really worth to me, but God multiplied that money like the widow of Zarepath's flour (1 Kings 17:22). After weeks of playing phone tag with the insurance company, God found the perfect car for me. I bought it on Wednesday and still had money left over! How amazing is that? Through this I learned that sometimes God has to take away things in order to give us something better. In my case, I was forced to give up control, but I gained peace over things that I couldn't control. I seriously learned so much and gained so much faith in God.

In the last 6 weeks God has been my:

Provider

Rescuer

Redeemer

Source of Laughter

Comfort

Peace

Energy

Wisdom

Inspiration

Source of Light

There's no denying that this is one of the most difficult things I've come against; but I also can't help but feel like it's sparked a release of something in me. Since Project Timothy, I've been impatient for my future; aware of God's dreams for me. I find myself thinking about the future a lot, but what I'm discovering is that God needs me to start some of these journeys now. I went to a worship "concert" last weekend and I just felt like God was reminding me of his dreams for me during one of the sets. As I sang one of the songs, my heart just lit up and I felt my palms get hot, just like they had during Project Timothy. It was there that God posed this question to me: "Are you willing to put your life on the altar?" I was so convicted, so reminded of the story I am a part of. He wants me to start now. Here. I'm beginning to see why He felt He needed to build my faith - I can't even articulate the plot of this next adventure.

So I will thank Him for the light, and all the new trails it illuminates.