Hills and Valleys

So I feel pretty ecstatic right now, which is awesome because last week felt like an uphill battle. What really gives me goosebumps is that I feel like I'm living Psalm 126:5. The way that my life has been playing out over the last few weeks has definitely been a life sized version of sowing tears and reaping joy.

Last week was so hard - I received news that left me feeling defeated and worthless, let jealousy and insecurities threaten a friendship, and struggled to make healthy decisions. All things said, I was taking a casual stroll through the valley, limited by earthly vision and human goals. It felt like I was trying to climb a hill where I could see more clearly, but really I was allowing myself to pace at the bottom of it. The first part of Psalm 126:5 talks about sowing tears. Did I sow tears? Yes! A lot of tears, actually.

I also felt unexpectedly creative last week. I've been playing piano a lot more, and that's been cool, but I wanted to explore some new terrain, so I sketched a design, bought some paints and brushes, and just basically started painting. It was kind of soothing in a way, because it was a way that I could express myself. What I ended up with is the picture above. Knowing the basic idea that God can take the bad and turn it into good, I set out to find a verse based on the idea of tears. And then I found Psalm 126:5. I was so elated. This was God's message to me in the midst of all this yucky stuff. Okay, now to the joy part.

I've discovered supernatural joy, that God is willing to gift us happiness in situations where the world demands our depression and angst. Because I was able to share in God's joy for others, I felt so fulfilled and happy doing student ministries at my church. I felt like I was in the right place. At the right time. And with the right people. Holy Spirit is so good! Everything in my life right now just feels so... right. I am seeing instances of His faithfulness all over the place. He has definitely opened up my eyes when it comes to certain situations. God gives me so much that I haven't even asked for, and I don't even deserve any of it. It's all Him. Right now is definitely a hill time in the context of the last couple of weeks. Everything is really intense right now, but I think all that stuff will slow down soon. It's amazing how He orchestrates things. So, have I reaped joy? Yes! Supernatural joy.

⁵ Those who sow in tears
will reap with songs of joy. - Psalm 126:5

You

he tells me I'm not good enough

he throws my mistakes in my face

You are with me when times are tough

You shower me with grace

To whom do I owe this joy in my heart

With whom would I never part?

You, Lord! All to you, Lord!

he attacks me from behind

he puts on a show

You give me ease of mind

You guide me on the straight and narrow

To whom do I owe this joy in my heart?

With whom would I never part?

You, Lord! All to you, Lord!

he divides

he steers me from the light

You provide

You keep me in Your sight

To whom do I owe this joy in my heart?

With whom would I never part?

You, Lord! All to you, Lord!

he twists love

he hits and misses

You show love

You reveal Your promises

To whom do I owe this joy in my heart?

With whom would I never part?

You, Lord! All to you, Lord!

On Wanting to be "Mouth"

It's so hard to understand God's timing and God's plan, isn't it? I don't think that I ever fully will, but I am getting better at identifying it. Thank God, the Holy Spirit pacifies people who just don't get it sometimes. You know, people like me.

You see, there's this ...set of circumstances... in my life that I just don't get. I found out some information today, and I was like "Really? Why them? Why not me? REALLY?" (It was not unlike that segment on SNL's Weekend Update that Amy Poehler and Seth Meyers used to do.) I just didn't get it. It still doesn't seem to make any sense.

Okay, so while my mind is going through a bitter set of doubts and disappointing self talk, Holy Spirit, like, randomly starts interjecting stuff from the likes of Jeremiah 29:11, Ecclesiastes 3, and Proverbs 31:25. To be honest, I responded to that in a very Weekend Update kind of way. Wasn't God supposed to be ashamed at this injustice, or, at the very least, disapproving? And then God reminded me that His people form a body, that the mouth is no more important than the fingers, and that, as long as that body is oxygenated by His heart, with His mind over our matter, it cannot be anything but healthy. God designates who gets to be Mouth, and who gets to be Finger. After all, saliva and vocal chords wouldn't help someone who wanted to give a high five or write a note. Neither would knuckles and cuticles help someone sing a song or deliver a message. (In reality, the church needs to be a complete body, full of those who deliver the Good News by speaking it, writing it, and acting it out.)

It's still so hard for me to grasp God's reasons for making me one part of the body, as opposed to the other. I know God's truth about these things on a head level, but some ideas have yet to diffuse into my heart. Why is that so hard for us? I know I'm not the only one that struggles with this. Is it the fact that churches seem to showcase those who are Mouth? Could be. But I think it goes much deeper than that.

Because, as all God-related things seem to connect, I am also reminded of a certain sermon entitled "Blood Brothers." On Sunday, we learned, or rather, were reminded of the fact that it is our nature to look out for number one. So, basically, it is very natural for us to act in a way that says, "I am mouth, hear me roar," or "I am hand, see me punch." What do we do with that??? Well, really, we can do nothing. Once again, it is God who puts us in exactly the right place at the right time. Under His direction, we can say, "I am Mouth, let me tell you about what He has done in me," or "I am Hand, let me pat you on the back and push you forward to better things."

So, back to my, um, distressing situation. It just doesn't seem so distressing anymore. I know that God has designated me the right position in the body. I think some diffusion just happened. And I give God thanks for that. He's got me right where he wants me.

"¹⁴Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. ¹⁵If the foot should say, "Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. ¹⁶And if the ear should say, "Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body," it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body.¹⁷If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? ¹⁸But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. ¹⁹If they were all one part, where would the body be? ²⁰As it is, there are many parts, but one body." - I Corinthians 12:14-20

5/13/2012

Approximately 3 years from today, I will be sitting on the field, waiting to graduate from ASU. Someone important will probably be speaking about the rest of my life and bla bla bla. I'll be getting my diploma in Social Work and Nonprofit Management and Leadership. That's all I care about. But before then, here are some random goals that I have:

1. Grow my hair really long.

2. Cut my hair really short.

3. Visit New York, NY.

4. Throw one of those clue mystery parties.

5. Write a song.

6. Learn to paint.

7. Take a road trip.

8. Learn to play guitar.

9. Go to a different continent.

10. Run a 10K.

I'm already on my way to accomplishing some of these. So excited!

Rescue

Man, the word Freedom has been on my mind a lot lately. Apart from patriotism, the first time that I actually thought about this word was probably February. It came up in a conversation with a friend of mine. He was describing his discipleship group's reaction to the story of the sick woman who touched the hem of Jesus' robe and was healed. Basically, two words came to the mind of one of his students - revival and freedom. I had never connected those two before. Anyways, the word freedom has continued to penetrate my thoughts for the last two months.

Here is where I have been able to connect it. And it has to do with Jeremiah 31:3-6.

"God told them, "I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again, dear virgin Israel. You'll resume your singing, grabbing tambourines and joining the dance.You'll go back to your old work of planting vineyards on the Samaritan hillsides, And sit back and enjoy the fruit— oh, how you'll enjoy those harvests! The time's coming when watchmen will call out from the hilltops of Ephraim:'On your feet! Let's go to Zion, go to meet our God!'"

Here's the thing, Israel was a nation after God's own heart, however, a continuing cycle of sin held them captive both literally and figuratively. I'm sure it was difficult for faithful Israelites to believe that God loved them through that. Yet He did. Like Israel, we are people after God's heart, yet, without Him, we live in a cycle of death and disappointment. But He has freed us from that by sending His son to die for us. He never quits loving us, and never has! He builds us up, just like He did Israel. His love frees us from captivity. He has rescued us and, because of that, we can enjoy the fruit of abundant lives, dance in gratitude, and come to meet our God. The harvest is plentiful, for He is good!

This all really hit me last night during an event called The Rescue. The purpose of this event was to create momentum and inspiration for those with worldly power and influence to get the ball rolling and literally rescue Joseph Kony's child soldiers. During some impromptu, possibly contraband worship (this was a non christian event), the truth of this verse dawned on me. I realized that, just as God's love frees us from darkness, His love is capable of reforming the hearts of the LRA soldiers and literally rescuing the child soldiers of Uganda. The freedom of His love rescues and empowers us to live our lives to the fullest. The power of His love will free those child soldiers.

Faithful

I'm at a major crossroads when it comes to a couple of events in my life.

First, as you well know, I REALLY want to move out next year. God hasn't really given me a clear answer on this yet, and its so frustrating! Well, He kind of has. I just have the words "Be faithful, for I am faithful" floating around my head like a broken record. All. Day. Long. Sometimes, I don't even know what that means. I'm so impatient, I know.

The second thing is that I signed up to attend Project Timothy, which is basically a mission trip attended by kids in RCA churches. Up until last week, I had no intention of doing it, then I was asked to apply. I prayed about, and I started the application proccess on faith. Well, the devil is in the details because the cost of paying for the trip and the missed income from working those two weeks is more than enough to make me doubt, especially when it comes to the plans in the above paragraph. The name of this trip is, ironically enough, "Faith Factor." God likes to laugh. Anyways, I'm still not completely sure that I'm supposed to go through with it, but I'm trying to be faithful to God. and He has only ever told me to be faithful in regards to this.

I love the fact that God is faithful, but I want some answers already.

Possibly off topic, I was redirected to this verse, and have found it increasingly meaningful to me:

"God told them, "I've never quit loving you and never will. Expect love, love, and more love!And so now I'll start over with you and build you up again, dear virgin Israel.You'll resume your singing, grabbing tambourines and joining the dance.You'll go back to your old work of planting vineyards on the Samaritan hillsides,And sit back and enjoy the fruit— oh, how you'll enjoy those harvests!The time's coming when watchmen will call out from the hilltops of Ephraim:'On your feet! Let's go to Zion, go to meet our God!'"-Jeremiah 31:3-6

Hmmmmmm

Space

So I was entirely perplexed by something up until this week, but now I feel like I've achieved a new level of understanding.

Let me back up by saying that Holy Spirit has lived in my heart since I was five years old. I grew in my faith a lot when I was a little kid, however, as I started to get older, my life became a lot fuller. You could probably have called my heart cluttered. I'm sure Holy Spirit lived in there somewhere, but I had probably banished Him Harry Potter-style to a closet under the stairs. Throughout High School, I would go to camp, or on a mission trip, or to a retreat, and I would experience Holy Spirit so heavily, but then I would go home and clutter up my life again. This frustrated me because I wanted to experience God's presence everyday. Anyways, fast forward.

My church went through this small group series in January called "Push it to the Limit." Now before you start humming that Corbin Bleu song, let me tell you what this series was all about. The big idea was margin - margin in our time, finances, workplaces, ministry, and morality. My first reaction to this series was one of a skeptic. I didn't feel like I had any space in those areas to give God. So I continued on in frustration.

For some reason, about a month after this series ended, I decided I needed some space, so I started getting up earlier to spend time with God, actually tithing, and planning my time better. I've reaped some amazing things like shortened or canceled classes, extra babysitting jobs, and effective study time. What had perplexed me before is that my schedule was so packed that I couldn't even fathom spending time with God. Little did I know that spending time with God would result in Him unpacking my schedule for me! Growing in vulnerability with Holy Spirit has put me on a whole new level of intimacy with Him. Where He might have been banished into a closet before, I'm putting Him up in a penthouse with a view now!