Outliers

I just finished Malcolm Gladwell's book Outliers.  The main idea behind this book is that
stories of breakthrough and success fall into two categories: People who had opportunities presented to them because they were in the right place at the right time, and those whose current choices and behaviors are affected by their cultural identity.

For a long time, I tried to keep up with a status quo that I imagined went a little something like this: 'the more you fall in love with Jesus, the more you become a youthleaderworshipbandmemberministryleadernurseryvolunteerinternsmallgroupleaderwholivesatchurch.' I am certain that this status quo doesn't actually exist, it just became, in my mind, a heavy and elusive standard that I kept trying to reach.  Over the past few years, I've tried and tried to figure out where I fit, what I'm supposed to be doing, and who I'm supposed to be doing it with.  My strategy was to do a bunch of different things and invest my a little bit of myself in all of them so that I could 'keep up' with everyone else around me.  At one time, I actually was a Student Ministry intern who played in the worship band, led high school outreach ministry, led a high school life group, organized social justice events, helped in the nursery on Sunday mornings, hung out with a bunch of people from Young Life and Pure Heart, and had a key role in the Urban Plunge, in addition to going to school and working.  Sound like a lot?  It was!

Even though I was involved in so many great things, I never really felt satisfied - My heart still ached for my generation, I wanted deep friendships, I longed to see the kind of revival that starts in the kitchen (more on that, later), and I wanted to connect my church with the college campus across the street from it.  I kept trying and doing, and showing up.  I actually found that the more I tried and did and showed up, the less I felt like I was a part of something that answered my heart cry, and the less I felt like my life had meaning and purpose.  From there, I entered into a season of searching my heart for clues as to what was next.

One of the first things that came up when examining my heart was my own attitude and tendency to compare myself with others.  God helped me see that this was holding me back from what He had called me to.  I started to realize that comparing myself to others made me more bitter and more jealous, and, I believe, held me back from seeing how God has uniquely wired me to reach my generation.  Finding freedom from this also taught me that I didn't need to sign up for every single thing in order to keep up with every single person.  Learning how to say 'no' and not feel like I'm missing out or unworthy is probably one of the most valuable life lessons I've ever learned.

What I soon realized is that I am an apostle/ evangelist (Ephesians 4 - 5 fold ministry) and that this makes me, well, different from a lot of people.  I began to pray to see breakthrough.  I wanted God to use me to my fullest potential.  I desperately wanted to serve others with everything I was, not just bits and pieces that fit a particular ministry.

Around May last year, I had an incredible opportunity presented to me: Work for Young Life College. I accepted.  Since then, I have sacrificed and stretched to make this happen.  My life involves dinner in the dorms, deep coffee times, crazy clubs where college students hear the Gospel, and divine appointments with students at ASU West.

Recognition of how I am uniquely wired and the opportunities presented to me have started my journey to become an outlier, a story of success.  I am uniquely wired for kingdom purposes and I am serving in my sweet spot with Young Life.  I wouldn't say my life reeks of success or breakthrough right now, but I am definitely getting closer.

One Year Down

It's hard to believe that I've been dating Taylor for a year.  I recently read through a journal from this time last year and found myself connecting with statements like 'This is so crazy weird' and 'I can't believe this happened' and 'Wow, he's even better than I thought.'  Pretty sure nothing's changed.  Since we've decided that we're in this for the long haul, one year is worth celebrating but, ultimately, not a very big deal.

I'd rather not bore you with every sappy detail of our dating life and the events that brought us together.  If you really want to know, take me out for coffee and I'll tell you.  If you don't, just thank me later.  All you really need to know is that we are living a love story, and it's a really, really good one.

What I would like to do in this post is reflect on the things that have worked for us, challenged us, and taught us a lot during this past year of dating:

1. Have a Love Story Apart From Each Other - Even before we started dating, or even knew each other, we each learned to fiercely pursue God.  God's love to both of us on a personal level provides a deep sense of identity and confidence.  We've also found that growing separately in our own private quiet times with God, and continued work on our own issues, makes everything we do share a whole lot more enjoyable.  We are committed to each growing deeper in relationship with Jesus and pointing the other person back to Him at every point.  Taylor's relationship with Jesus is more important to me than my relationship with Taylor, and vice versa.

It is also our love for God and desire to please Him above all else that translates into purity and honoring Him with our relationship.  We feel that it is a gift that He has given us, and we want to be completely faithful with it.  If we both didn't already have a strong love story with Jesus, the following list of things would be impossible.

2. Boundaries = Freedom - When we first got together, we set some intentional boundaries, using the intimacy triangle as a guide. We know that, to pursue God's best for us, we need to guard our hearts by remaining physically pure and honoring emotional boundaries.  Maybe you heard through the grape vine, but we're so crazy about each other, we don't kiss.  We don't think that there is really anything wrong with kissing (I hear it's pretty awesome) but we also know that it could be the gateway to a lot of things that God doesn't have for us right now.  With how we feel about each other, it could be dangerous... If you know what I mean.  As far as emotional boundaries go, we try not to 'emotionally make out,' which means that there are deep parts of our hearts and things in our individual journeys with God that we choose to share with friends and mentors first before processing and sharing with the other person.  One day (Lord willing), when we fully commit our lives to each other, the depths of our hearts will be something that we share.  Until then, Taylor and I only share those things after they become a testimony of where we have seen Kingdom come.  It's one of my favorite parts of our relationship!

The reason for keeping strong boundaries isn't so that we can get a special award, or because it's the 'right thing' to do, it's really about keeping the stakes low so that we can enjoy our relationship for what it is right now.  Because we have boundaries, we get to be free of worry about going too far or doing something we will regret.  For us, boundaries provide the framework that we get to work within as we date and fall more deeply in love.  We keep them up for discussion by talking monthly and as necessary about what's working and what's not.  This gives us a chance to evaluate the health of our relationship emotionally and physically, and to approach issues before they become full blown problems.  It has helped a lot!  I may be biased, but our relationship (hardcore boundaries and all) is my favorite - it's fun, amazing, exciting, and totally so freaking wonderful.

3. Discipleship - This works in a couple of ways: Jesus calls us to be disciples in that we are lifelong learners and to live lives worth imitating as we disciple others.  Our friends, the Ozorios, are an incredible resource and example of love and marriage.  We give them permission to probe and ask awkward questions.  We also have a policy of transparency with them - We don't keep any secrets about the ways that we are tempted or mistakes we make.  It's all fair game.  The O's also are great at helping us process through decisions we have to make together, bumps we hit, and other things that come up.  Along with time spent couple to couple, Taylor and I answer to Kelsi and Chris on an individual basis, whether it's in the context of a huddle or just a conversation over the phone or cup of coffee.

In addition, we recognize that there are people looking up to us.  If we wouldn't want someone to imitate our behavior, we don't want to do it.  In a way, we are challenged by the generation beneath us to honor God and remain pure.  We don't necessarily have all the answers and our relationship isn't always perfect, but we are doing our best to live out Paul's words to Timothy: " Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, and in purity."

4. When the Date's Over, Go Home - I would be lying to you if I said that we were always great at keeping boundaries.  The truth is: we're human and we sometimes tiptoe right up to the line (Ha good thing the stakes are low, right?).  It's dangerous when we have a great date and then end up in a parking lot or outside one of our houses for an hour afterwards.  Talk about temptation!  We've been learning not to put ourselves in situations where our actions are not worth imitating.  This is also where it's great to have accountability and people who will not only ask us about this, but also give us a metaphorical slap on the hand if it continues to be an issue.

5. Be in Community Together - Pretty self-explanatory.  This is one of the things we are growing in the most.  Around February, we really felt the lack.  Since then, we've disciplined ourselves to spend time together, with friends.  We got intentional with our calendar and began to plan so that we either joined in on events already happening with people in our community or brought people together to hang out on certain nights of the week.  I feel like this has enriched our relationship a lot, even just to have some added accountability.  Learning how to be a couple and honor all the people in the room has been really good for us.

6. Resolve Conflict Well - We're not really the yell and scream types, but there have been times in the past year that we have annoyed each other, been frustrated, or one of us has offended the other.  It's been really important for us to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way.  We've been learning to figure out the root of problems, talk things through before they become a big deal, and hear the other person out.  Something that's also been really key for us is making practical action plans, based on what we've learned through a particular conflict or difficult conversation.  You might know this as going around the leaning circle (kairos).  This helps us learn and then move on, should we find ourselves in conflict again over the same issue.

7. Stay Friends - At this point, we've been friends longer than we've been dating.  One of the reasons our dating life got off to such a slow start was that we didn't want to ruin a perfectly good friendship.  Call it soul mates, kindred spirits, BFFL, or whatever you want, but it ultimately comes down to healthy friendship.  In many ways, the foundation of the relationship we have today was intact even before we started dating.  Through deepening friendship, I got to learn about everything Taylor was passionate about, his goals in life, see him in stressful situations, etc.  To be honest, the 'romantic' part of our relationship isn't completely satisfying all the time... That's where our friendship comes in.  We understand each other, are comfortable, and trust deeply.  So, so thankful for friendship!

Didn't realize this post would turn into such a long one!  Congratulations if you made it all the way through!    Long story short, Taylor and my first year together has been dynamic and amazing.  We've learned a lot, wrestled with some things, and fallen way deeply in love.  Taylor is an amazing friend, lover of life, and pursuer of Jesus, and I am honored to get to be his girl!

Let's Get Messy

Oikos is a fancy greek word for extended family and, as I've come to see it, Church as it was made to be.  It's one of those things that I never really realized I needed until I started experiencing it.  The only way I can really describe it is organic and messy and wonderful. This idea of building the Body out of extended families resonates incredibly deeply with me.

I really like my church, but probably would have left it awhile ago if it hadn't been for my friends Kelsi and Chris Ozorio.  In the world's eyes, they are probably nothing spectacular, but in my eyes, they are like family to me.  Over the past few years, we have celebrated birthdays together, they have mentored me, and encouraged and challenged Taylor and me in our relationship.  We laugh, we cry, I babysit their kid.  You know, family stuff.  My relationship with them makes me feel connected and cared for, like I truly am a part of something much bigger than myself.  I know that they care about me and would (and actually have) come to my aid at the drop of a hat!

I would bet my measly bank account that this kind of connection to people and God couldn't happen in a book study or even a well executed program targeted at people ages 18-29.

I feel like a lot of churches aspire to Acts 2 life - everyone sharing what they have, needs being met, God showing up, people being added daily, devotion to teaching and learning how to be like Jesus...

Since being ruined for the church last year, I've heard so many interpretations of Acts 2 that it is almost dizzying.  To me, it's pretty simple.  Acts 2 Church is about family.  It is messy. It is small enough to care, but large enough to dare.  It is effective because families take care of each other.  Families hang out at home, not in classrooms, around a table.  Families share their stuff because they are close enough to know the depth of each other's need.  Families who care, dare, and everything in between, are attractive - picture the friend's house you always wanted to play at when you were a kid.  They were the people who invited you to stay for dinner and let you ride with them to soccer practice; they included you in their regular rhythm of life.

If the church wants to stay alive, thrive even, we've got to get messy and organic about things.  We've got to be family, to move our focus beyond Sunday services and weekly programs that hopefully draw people in and help them feel cared for to equipping and encouraging people to be good news everywhere they go.  If we can do this well and become a network of extended families on mission together, we really can reach everyone we intend to.   If we can get a handle on this, lack of facilities becomes a nonissue, visitors who feel welcomed, but not included become a virtually extinct problem of the past.  The idea of the Church functioning like Oikos just seems much more natural, like we're coming back to who we were made to be, you know?

So let's just go ahead and be what we were made to be.

I've only barely covered some principles of the Church as extended family.  For more reading on Oikos, click HERE.  For some practicals and testimony about putting Oikos into action, click HERE.

Please know that this post is not a complete thought!  Right now, I'm in the middle of a conversation (by email at the moment) with the lead pastor at my church about the purpose of the organized church vs. where the more organic expression Acts 2 comes in and how we need both.  I'm learning a lot!  I'll be publishing a followup post soon with some of the things that I am learning and how these two expressions of church can work together.  Stay tuned!

On Purpose

I'd like to be able to say that everything is ideal right now.  In November, I was dreaming about my first semester out of college being full of extra time to sit in coffee shops, date Taylor, and live out some dreams of mine.  I thought I would finally be able to have it all at once.

Wrong.  So wrong.  Really, really wrong.  

If anything, the past three months have taught me that patience is a virtue, schedules exist for a reason, and, regrettably enough, I can't have it all.  

A few weeks ago, I told Kelsi, my housemate, how bummed I was with life - not single but not married, doing 'free labor' for several ministries I care about, missing my girlfriends, strung out beyond all reason...  I wanted to quit.  Enter challenge: Be intentional with your time, plan ahead, and surrender to Jesus.

Simple.  So simple.  Really, really simple... Right?

In the days that have followed, I have started to contemplate what this looked like for Jesus.  Being fully God AND fully human, Jesus didn't necessarily have all the time He wanted either.  He only had 33 years, to be exact.  So how did He do it?  He lived every moment intentionally, whether this meant that He got up early to pray and be with His father or hung out with His disciples or healed the multitudes.  Jesus lived every moment with the purpose of entering into deeper intimacy with God or bringing Heaven to earth.  

As I've been looking at my time and schedule, I've begun to ask myself those questions: How does this help me grow closer to Jesus?  How does this reveal Jesus to the world around me?  A huge perspective changer.  What I'm discovering is that I need to pursue intimacy with Jesus on purpose.  I need to enter every situation with the intention of bringing Jesus into it.  

This is what gives life meaning.  This is what makes any season worth living, no matter how far it is from my ideal.  Jesus is up to a ton of incredible things right now.  I've decided that I'm in.  Over the next few months, I'm going to be praying through each thing in my schedule so that I can grow deeper with God and reveal more of Him to the world around me.  It probably won't be ideal, it likely won't be pretty, and I plan to learn a lot about myself in the process.  

Ree-vy-vahl

Revival is one of those words that gets thrown around a lot.  We sing it during worship, beg God for it when we pray, and try to label the past with it.  Until lately, my definition of revival was this: occurrences where tons of people feel really good about God, some get saved, and then they get recorded in the history books. I feel like we sometimes put this kind of focus on Sunday morning church - I've heard pastors preach that, unless we fill every seat in our sanctuaries, people will never hear the Gospel and we will never experience revival in our generation.  It seems that this rationale has been used to build bigger buildings, hire more pastoral staff, and send more postcards.

I don't have a problem with church on Sunday mornings or building our campuses to better serve our neighborhoods.  I actually really enjoy Sunday morning church and think providing for people's needs to be a very noble cause.  What I'm saying is that we are missing out if we limit our definition and experience of revival to church or big events or even make them the center of what we understand revival, or even ministry, to be.  Revival is not church or concerts or speakers or unity of His people.  

At its core, revival means to come back to life after lacking it; to bring life back.  Revival involves Heaven coming to earth as we experience the depths of God's heart, fall in love, live differently because of it, and are compelled to breathe life to areas of decay around us. 

What I see in the Bible is this: we were given an atmosphere of life and an intimate closeness with God in Eden, sin entered the world, and with it death, humanity struggled and responded to God by offering Him dead animals.  The Word became flesh as Jesus entered the world, He raised the dead, healed the sick, brought peace and justice, laid Himself down for a bunch of people who didn't deserve it, told His closest friends to do what He did, and gave us His Spirit for intimate companionship.  Then those guys, empowered by Spirit, raised the dead, healed the sick, brought peace and justice, and invested in  genuine community that became the body of Christ.  Essentially, we lost our access to Life and the Father, Jesus gave Himself up to get it back for us, and then the people who loved Him the most and spent the most time around Him, proceeded to do the same thing for the rest of the world.

It didn't end there, though.  This is the hour for revival.  It is happening now.  Here.  How do I know?  Because I've experienced it.

I am a revivalist.

What I know from my own life is that Jesus has brought a number of areas back to life - He has healed me, He has taken care of me, revealed His heart to me, unlocked my true identity and potential.  I was dead, now He is bringing me to life.  He didn't stop reviving me when I came to church or when I asked Him into my heart or when it first felt 'real.'  He is constantly bringing me into Life, drawing me closer to Him, and giving me new dreams.  

From here, I can't help but press my ear to His chest to hear the rhythm of His heartbeat.  I am a conduit of Life to the world.  The more I encounter His love, the more I want to live differently.  The more I hear His voice, the more I want to say the things He says.  The more I discover in His heart, the more I want to respond with love towards Him and others.  My life just isn't the same.  

And so I have come to the conclusion that revival is something to be experienced in intimate depth with the Father and something to be given out of our overflow of His love.  It is fruit of fighting for intimacy with Jesus all day every day.  It is born out of worship, nurtured in our spirits, influencing of the desires of our souls and the actions of our bodies. Its mark on the world is never ending.

Life Outside the Box

I wrote this 2 & 1/2 years ago, thinking I would be graduating in May 2012 instead of December 2011. Nonetheless, here is the progress I have made:

I grew my hair really long, donated it to Locks of Love, and cut it really short.

I travelled to Ecuador this past summer, stayed in an orphanage for a week, and got genuinely rocked by my Daddy.

I learned to play guitar, wrote lots of parts of songs, but never really finished one.

I painted pictures of things Jesus was doing in my heart.

I took a road trip to Colorado and learned to live like Liz on top of the World.

I never ran a 10k.

I never threw a mystery party.

I never went to New York City.

Part of me wants to say that I wish I had accomplished every goal on this list, but most of me is content to have lived life outside of the lines I once drew for myself.

Like anyone in my current position, I have to say that I have learned countless lessons about life that I never expected. Some of them are chronicled here, but most of them lie in the depths of my journals from the past few years.

What I think happened is that, at 19, I put life in a box constructed by accomplishments and college degrees. What I didn't understand was that Jesus wanted me to have life to the full simply because I belonged to Him, that the richness of life had nothing to do with anything I did, but everything to do with who I was in Him. It is in this rich place of identity and intimacy that I find my very reality influenced by His peace, abundant in provision, and entrenched in solid community.

In the past 3 & 1/2 years, events and concepts once thought incomprehensible have come to make up the very fabric of my story. In this period of my life:

I started the journey of falling head over heels for Jesus, choosing to face life with Him as my husband, making key decisions together, and constantly living into new adventures.

I learned a lot from my friends Kelsi and Chris O. and constantly experience the blessing it is to live as a part of their household.

I learned to balance this with this.

I learned to take big risks and trust that God would catch me.

I got stretched beyond belief.

I fell in love with Taylor Marin.

I began to live in circles toward the Kingdom of Heavem.

My heart got healed of a number of past wounds.

I learned to pursue honor even when I didn't want to.

I got ruined by the Gospel.

I think that a number of these things are going to be reoccurring themes for the rest of my life. What I love is that God didn't just take my meager expectations of my life and give them to me. Instead, He invited me into new adventures and challenged me to become like Him in the process.

I can't help but think that this next stage of life will also consist of not doing things I once thought important and being pleasantly surprised by Jesus' creative shaping of my life.

Can't wait.

Bird Life

"When you find yourself united with the One who has overcome all that you my ever fear, risk is the freedom of a bird in flight."

The most inviting and challenging thing about Jesus right now is learning to live with the freedom and trust that the birds have. There is so much in my life that is still coming to fruition, so I constantly feel like I'm toddling back and forth between discovering the truth of His promises and understanding that I need to trust Him so much more to see the desires of my heart unfold. I am completely convinced that Jesus' plan for my life is to move me to greater and greater dependence as He takes me to horizons I have yet to even know exist.

As of recently, destinations that once seemed so far away are suddenly within my grasp. As much as these are dreams come true for me, I am realizing that surrender and saying 'yes' to Jesus are more important than ever.

First of all, I burn for a lot of things - my generation, revival in the church, discipleship, mission, and loving people holistically (bio-psycho-social-spiritual dimensions), to name a few. While working on the Urban Plunge last year, I got to work closely with Tracey Beal and realized that she and I have an almost identical set of passions. The beautiful part of all of this is that Tracey is about 27 steps ahead of me in life. Throughout the past year, I have been immensely blessed by her and inspired by the soul-deep and generation-wide impact that she has. In the past few months, it has really become clear that I have a lot to learn from Tracey, in terms of how to push the boundaries of the church, balance passion with love for people, be a graceful apostle, and connect people with the true heart of God. Recently, I have also felt stirred to combine my social work education with my passion for ministry by wanting to teach pastors and churches to care for their people and communities multidimensionally. You might think me strange, but I dream about things like the syllabi I would write for Bible college classes I someday want to teach and how the Church could function if we truly grasped ahold of collaborating with one another to bring the Kingdom to earth.

This has been such a season of pressing hard in surrender and learning to be free of my worries for my ever nearing future, mainly in regard to what kind of job I will get after I graduate. Because my dreams are so huge, my realistic side, though usually quieter then the dreamer inside of me, has been thinking that it could take years before I actually see them through. That all changed during a meeting with Tracey about a week ago...

We were sitting in her office dreaming when she reintroduced an idea of mentoring me to orchestrate the Urban Plunge as a vehicle for teaching churches to find assets in their communities and bring heaven to earth in their neighborhoods. This would be my job - We are only beginning to explore ways to fund this position. A risk. Yes, I wonder about how I will pay my bills. Yes, I know that this will stretch me beyond measure. Yes, I understand that the unknowns outnumber the knowns.

My answer is yes.

I cannot tell you how very strange it is that dreams that once seemed so distant are now becoming close realities. Like every little girl, I have dreamed about being pursued and falling in love. As you know, Jesus has proven Himself faithful in pursuing my heart into deeper relationship with Him, and I have spent the past few years becoming absolutely smitten with my Savior.

About a year and a half ago, another man entered my life through friendship. A little less than a year ago, I began to think that maybe I liked him, based on the Fruit that was coming from his life. Taylor, my acquaintance became Taylor my friend, who then became Taylor, my close friend. For about six months, we talked almost daily about our values, the way we saw life, and what we saw God doing all around us. During this time, I started to think that I liked him and that it was highly probable that this was mutual. I can't tell you how many times Jesus and I talked about him and how often I had to completely surrender my feelings for him. Around May, I decided that Taylor and I were probably just going to stay friends. I liked him, but decided that his feelings for me were phileo in nature.

... And then a week later, he called me. Lunch followed the next day. I'm pretty sure you can guess what happened. On May 21st, Taylor, my close friend became Taylor, the guy I was dating - Low commitment, little affection, increasing friendship. In July, Taylor, the guy I was dating, became Taylor, my boyfriend.

Since then, I have had to surrender more than ever. Checking my feelings at the door when Jesus and I talk about life and the future has become the norm. All the while, Taylor and I have found that our feelings for each other are accelerating in intensity and volume. We have sought hard to maintain balance, pay attention to Spirit, and receive input and encouragement from some key people who know what they are doing when it comes to being in love.

We recognize that life is a story well-written by our generous creator, and everyday, it is becoming increasingly apparent that we have an important role to play in each other's stories. To be honest, I am ecstatic about Taylor. He has become an even better friend to me than I ever could have imagined, and I am honored to be pursued by him. This is a story still being written, but I have to say that we are enjoying every word.

There is something incredibly sweet and powerful about trusting Jesus with my love life and knowing that He will continue to care for my heart. Romance with Jesus continues to be a source of deep excitement for me, and learning to be His little bird is a beautiful and increasingly satisfying process that I will probably be discovering for the rest of my life.

Fathers be good to your Daughters (and vice versa)

I feel like I am in a new season of learning my identity with God on a much deeper level. I think it's amazing how limitless all of this is - I feel like I have received a lot from Him in this area, but I have realized that I need more.

Starting with PT, God has totally been inviting me to be His daughter. There were so many times in Ecuador when I could hear Him teaching me lessons about being a child, specifically His child. If you know me well, you know that my relationship with my dad is really complicated and difficult for a variety of reasons. In the midst of that, God has been way intentional in healing parts of my heart as they were ready to receive it.  This is definitely a season of more - Learning to see Him as Father is making me an even better daughter.  I didn't sign up for this, nor did expect it, but I feel like this season is equipping me to be a better wife, an amazing parent someday, and an even more enthusiastic lover of life.

This is the kind of relationship and the kind of Father I am discovering: 

• Little girls who have a healthy relationship with their dads are confident and humble - they know where they stand with their dad; they know they are wanted and loved and do not have to pursue attention elsewhere.
• Women who have a healthy relationship with their dads are interdependent - They are able to do things on their own, but still depend on their dads for love and support.
• Fathers balance the invitation of unconditional love and acceptance and the challenge of pushing their daughters to reach their greatest potential.
• Great dads balance giving their daughters what they need and want and teaching their daughters to to access those things on their own.
• They fight. In they end, they both feel heard, understood, and loved.
• Good dads know what they are talking about and give solid advice to their daughters who, in turn, receive and apply it.
• Daughters obey their fathers not because they have to, but because they want to out of respect and appreciation for his authority.
• Little girls whose dads can do anything and give them everything are completely fearless.
• Dads don't let their daughters go hungry, naked, or unsheltered. They will do anything to protect them, make every sacrifice necessary to provide.
• They spend quality time together. Time marked by delighting in each other and becoming closer.  

What I have been learning is that I cannot get closer to God, my Father, without letting Him free me from the resentments I hold towards my earthly dad.  It's simply impossible.  Painful.  Wonderful. Humbling. The more I see that He loves me, the more I can admit that I am wrong when I have overstepped my bounds.  The more I understand about the reoccurring miracles that came from His sacrifice, the more I feel convicted to forgive things that once seemed irreparable.  For everything that I lack from my dad, my Father gives to me a hundred fold.  I have watched Him provide for me over and over again.  I have felt His comforting embrace time and time again.  I have been challenged by His sweetness and selflessness more times than I can count. 

This is only the start of all of this.  Love.

I love the Postal Service [and Jesus]

Today, I found Jesus in Brand New Colony. That is all.

I'l be the grapes fermented, bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit like a perfect gentleman [I will be everything needed to sustain and satisfy you; eat and drink of me]

I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick where you will sit and complete your day [I will be your refuge; make your home in me and explore my dreams for you]

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning in an open tab when your judgement's on the brink [I will renew your mind when your thoughts overwhelm you]

I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite albums back as you're lying there drifting off to sleep... [I will sing over you in your rest and tell you how much I love you]

I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you; you won't have to strain to look into my eyes [I will redeem your past and free you of shame so that you can grow closer to me]

I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat with the collar up so you won't catch cold [I will protect you and barricade you off from anything that seeks to harm you or take away what I have promised you]

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town and kiss you on the mouth [Come away with me, away from the fears that surround you and fight for your attention]

We'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of this scene, start a brand new colony [I will free you from the bondages of death and give you Life]

Where everything will change, we'll give ourselves new names (identities erased) [I will renew and deepen your identity as love, daughter, and warrior princess]

The sun will heat the ground under our bare feet. In this brand new colony, everything will change [In this adventure we are on, I will take you gently by the hand and lead you into radical life change]

Upcoming themes in my life: Rest, Identity, Guidance, Dependence, Freedom. Let's do this.

Reflections on Ecuador

I am attempting to pull myself together enough to write about my recent trip to Ecuador. Rather than trying to summarize my experiences, I have decided to type out some excerpts from my journal.

July 7, 2011 - Orientation

"I just feel like there is so much more from God that I am meant to receive on this trip. I feel like God has set me up to encounter more of Him and the things I get will move me toward more healing in my heart for my dad, clarity in my relationship with Taylor, deepened compassion, and challenged faith and perception of miracles. I feel a growth spurt coming on, like my world is about to be rocked upside down and inside out by the Holy Spirit. There is more from Him that I so badly want to receive. It's like I am massively thirsty but can't seem to quench my thirst, all the while wanting gulp after gulp of Jesus. I'll take Him any way I can get Him."

After writing this, I heard God say: "Amanda, start picking your promises, the things you want to receive. I have them all to give you. Healing? Of course. Influence? I will make you glow in the dark. Power poured out? I am your outlet."

July 8, 2011 - Orientation

"I felt like a little girl during worship tonight - my Daddy could do anything and give me everything. I kept feeling like God was brushing against my skin and holding me. It was entirely wonderful. I also feel like He called out all my fears, bubbling them up to the surface and gently brushing them away. They are not gone yet, but I feel lighter. It occurred to me that little girls whose daddy can do anything and give them everything are fearless."

July 10, 2011 - Traveling

"I find it ironic that I walked through gate D1 to board this plane to Guayaquil. I don't know if I have any concept of what to expect. I know the basics, like what I will be doing, but I can't wait to see the ways that Heaven is going to meet earth on this trip. Where am I going to encounter God? What miracles will I see? How will I get to know Him better? For the first time since Wednesday, I feel rested and ready - Before I left, Taylor (stud that he is) reminded me of that verse in Isaiah 40 that talks about running and not growing weary and that God has all the strength in the universe to give me. So good. This is way exciting!"

July 11, 2011 - Ecuador

"So we are in Ecuador. I still don't fully know what to expect, but I'm really tired. Today we are starting our VBS program for the children here. I already find it amazing how simple life is here - happiness requires so little, people only do and buy what they have the resources for, and contentment seems to run rampant. It's the whole idea of trusting God with what He has given me today and trusting Him to provide for me tomorrow (Matthew 6:30-33)."

"Today we prayed for a little boy with a fever - he was completely well and eating lunch a half hour later. It's amazing how much the kids love us and want to be around us just because we are American and come from a country they view as flowing with opportunity and prosperity. I think this runs parallel to the way that we interact with God - when we recognize who He is and that He wants to give us Heaven on earth, we can't help but want to be with Him. This certainly gives new perspective to living like a child..."

July 13, 2011 - Ecuador

I think I am starting to appreciate the ministry of presence so much more. I came here expecting to see God's power and miracles. Though these are definitely ways of sharing the gospel, I am coming to understand how beautiful it is just to be with people. All these kids want is for us to hold them - I think this is the core of Jesus' ministry. Just being there for the sake of others and showing up, no matter the cost. I think that, in some ways, this is harder for me than praying for healing or other miracles."

July 14, 2011 - Ecuador

I think I experienced one of the more beautiful moments of my life tonight. After dinner, we were playing with the kids and I ended up dancing with and holding a couple of the little girls. One of the girls sang a song about Jesus to me. Another girl came and practically fell asleep in my arms. In that moment, despite the fact that I was so tired and had a ton on my mind about home, I wanted nothing more than to be doing what I was doing. I just felt so content! This moment embodied meaning and is completely beyond words to me, especially since I have been struggling with having Jesus' heart of compassion for these kids. In that moment, I heard God saying that this is how He feels when He holds me - overflowing with love and compassion, completely content, and like there is nothing else in the world He would rather be doing."

July 15, 2011 - Ecuador

"I just waved goodbye to some of the most vulnerable and beautiful children I have ever met. When they get off the bus, many of them will go back to families who cannot feed or take care of them. Some will work all weekend, begging for anything they can get. Some will be abused and unloved. Here they have so little, but I can feel the love and the presence of God. It's strange to go from not knowing them to playing with them and sharing most of every day with them to waving goodbye to them as they board a bus back to their families. Talk about emotional whiplash... We all cried as we said goodbye and I'm pretty sure God did too because the sky opened up and it started pouring rain as they got on the bus and drove away from us. I am so heartbroken, but I know there is hope for them - the promises of Jesus still ring true. He loves them, oh how He loves them."

July 17, 2011 - Ecuador

"I am sitting on the beach as I write this. [...] I love seeing the waves crash into the sand; I am trying to figure out what they mean. I love the way the once smooth water heaves itself onto the shore, only to break a second later. I feel like this is the embodiment of surrender - our careers, relationships, etc. move forward until we reach a point where we cannot go any farther unless we break. Movement requires brokenness, surrender."

July 19, 2011 - Traveling

"So I'm sitting on the plane from Miami to LA and my ears are popping so bad. I can feel the pressure in my sinuses and I can barely hear what's going on around me. It's crazy to think that this is all due to a change in altitude. I can't help but think that this can become the condition of my spiritual ears as well. Life change brings on internal pressure that builds, and eventually it is harder to hear God speak, even if this is change brought about by Him in the first place. The solution to this is simple: balance. Just like feeling better as the pressure in my sinuses comes into balance upon landing. As this applies to life, I think that the phrase managing tension makes sense - the more we come into balance in terms of abiding and fruitfulness and up, in, and out the better we can hear God speak to us."

Conclusion

Upon reflecting on my experience over the past few weeks, I feel like God has been extremely intentional in teaching me lessons of what it is to relate to Him as His kid, what it is to depend on Him, and how to engage in the moment like Jesus did. He is incredibly generous and faithful. I think that I'm going to continue unearthing things that He showed me while in Ecuador and I'm totally excited for it.

Sunlight

So, if we talk often, you know I LOVE prescribing meaning to seemingly ordinary things. I'm an NF. It's what I do!

I am trying so hard to get a tan. If you're like me, you have to sit in the sun for a long time before your skin begins to change color. I find myself wondering how long it will take before I will actually see the change.

I was sitting outside this morning when I realized that my relationship with God is a lot like trying to get a tan. The more time I spend in His presence, the more my very being reflects Him. Each encounter with Him brings more abundant life and greater change in who I am. Like any tan, an absence from God's presence causes our character to fade. It is my highest hope that people see His reflection in the way I try to love them, serve them, and honor them. Think about it, we don't have to do anything to get tan. We just sit there.

Clueless

Pretty sure I never saw this coming. Oops. My bad.

It's kind of like arriving somewhere and not being able to remember how you got there. At this 'destination,' my schedule is different, my relationships are starting to look very different, work looks different, rest looks different. Many of my dreams are coming true and I have no idea how.

Maybe I'm just not used to dreams becoming reality...

• Amazing provision
• Turning my ring
• Going overseas to do missions
• Amazing community
• Getting to invest in people and see them grow
• People of peace

Recently, it dawned on me that this was really happening and it became this kairos that required my almost immediate attention. In previous seasons, I've kind of known what to expect and I've done my best to brace myself for what was coming. In this season, I am completely and utterly clueless and totally okay with it.

This time, it is so different. I find myself living in the middle of my dreams, not even knowing that they started without me. When I asked Jesus about it, He said that these things were the tangible breakthroughs of the work that He had been doing beneath the surface of my heart. Essentially, He made them happen. I didn't.

It still continues to blow my mind that my life isn't about making things happen. The way I live my life is an active response to what God is already doing. I love the kind of freedom this creates - There is no trying or working hard. There is only following His footsteps and feeling easy and light about it.

I could get used to this.

Coffee & Kites

So, if we talk often, you know that I LOVE prescribing meaning to seemingly ordinary things. I'm an NF. It's what I do!

Coffee

It's not so much coffee itself, but the way people order it. In case you don't know, I'm a barista and the coffee orders I sometimes get are ridiculous. I don't mind the complicated small latte-only a pump and a half of caramel, no more no less-soy milk steamed to 135 degrees- extra shot of espresso-1 inch of room orders. It's the people who don't know how to order coffee that drive me a little crazy. They approach nervously, refuse to make eye contact, and ask me which kind of latte has espresso in it. ...Every latte has espresso. And then there are the people who try to order that thing their friend got that one time, except they don't know the name of it or what it tastes like. Those are the people that make me want to shake my head and roll my eyes.

I wonder if Jesus goes a little crazy when we don't know how to ask for what we want from Him. Like, there are the people that just go for it, telling Him everything they want from the Spirit. They know exactly what to expect from Jesus and they have confidence that He will deliver. And then there are the people that don't know the vocabulary so well. They enter awkwardly into His presence, not even knowing the needs in their souls that He wants to satisfy. I think I fall somewhere in the middle of these two extremes - there are times when I boldly ask Him for what I already know He wants to give, and others when I barely know that I need something from Him, let alone what. I've come to the conclusion that Jesus has far more grace than I do. I'm comforted by the fact that, when I don't know what to pray, the Spirit intercedes for me (Romans 8:26-28). As long as we come to Him, expecting to receive, we will do just that!

Kites

I flew one recently.

As I was standing there watching it flutter in the wind, I understood a little more about life on God's terms. It's a lesson in dependence, really.

Alone, my life is as flimsy and small as a kite still in the package. It's a good thing the Spirit, like the wind, is expansive, artful, and powerful. I love the way that Jesus empowers us to soar beyond the bounds of what we think is possible. It further goes to show that we can do absolutely nothing without Him. The more we rely on Him, the higher and farther we go. There's just no other way. I think I'm learning more and more that, to be as high as a kite, I've got to let the Spirit call the shots.

Welcome to my Orchard

I have a lot on my plate right now. I'm on the cusp of huge change (for reals this time). My future is still smacking me in the face... And on and on.

I just feel like there is so much to celebrate. Even though a lot of this stuff seems huge and ridiculous and crazy, it's really ... not. Even the really hard stuff has an aura of easy and lightness about it.

I know that seems strange, so let me explain. I've finally reached a point in my life where I understand the assets that God has given me and how to use them - I'm finally starting to see tangible fruit from the work that Jesus has been doing in my heart.

These are some of the trees Jesus has cultivated to fruition:

Kairos

This is what brings Jesus' word to life for me and the method by which I get to experience the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. Everything that happens to me is an opportunity for it. By simply figuring out what God is saying and applying it, I've seen breakthrough after breakthrough in several areas of my life. I've become a junkie - I'm so addicted and I know how to get my fix.

Armor

It keeps me safe and gives me the strength to fight the enemy. The parts I connect with most right now are the breast plate and the peace cleats. Right relationship with God covers my heart from damage. I have come to understand that guarding my heart is more about pursuing a relationship with Jesus and less about saying 'no' to the wrong kind of boy. Peace keeps me steadfast and holds me to His promises. From a place of peace, I am no longer knocked down by the blows of the enemy. Peace is spiritual victory, a powerful weapon against the chaos of this world.

Word

It may sound cheesy, but I'm starting to view the reading of my Bible as a feast where I get to partake of something incredibly rich and sacred. I've seen entire days turn from bad to good, just from taking breaks to remind myself of truths concerning my identity, God's power, and the fact that He's always got my back. Romans 8 is a favorite right now. More than a conqueror!

Community

You know who you are.

You're the people who kick my butt when I need it. You encourage me and remind me of God's promises. You laugh at me and with me. You supply me with tons of vision and grace. You cry with me. You put up with my crazy infp shenanigans. You ask me how my week is going. You buy me coffee. You intercede on my behalf. You help me with my car stuff. You teach me everything you know. You put up with the fact that I am always 5+ minutes late. We have lots of conversations in parking lots. You write on my facebook wall and send me lots of messages. You let me hang out at your house a lot. You write me letters. You lead lives worth imitating.

I feel so wealthy and so privileged, knowing that God wants to give me everything. What I've received thus far is abundant and amazing. Ha and there's more!

Hello, D3. I kind of like you so far.

Two Cents

A friend of mine posted this video this week and it sparked quite the conversation about dating and relationships in a list of comments on Facebook. 'Waiting' and all that it entails must be a hot topic right now. Actually, I'm pretty sure it's always a hot topic; 20 somethings like me love to analyze it to death. So here are my thoughts.

I long to be loved. Like, my soul begs for it. I've wanted to be loved since the day I was born. I cried for my mom to pick me up and hold me, I wanted friends who would accept me and invite me to slumber parties, I got butterflies when that dreamy guy would look my way or say my name. All symptoms of this huge, Grand Canyon-sized chasm in my heart that can never be filled by perfect parents, awesome friends, or dreamy boys.

For me, every time I get to know Jesus better, I find that my relationship with Him reflects a greater, more satisfying version of friendship, romance, and sense of belonging than the shadowy earthly parallels I've know for the last 21 years and 8 months of my life. He's created me to receive from Him in friendship, romance, and identity (father/ daughter relationship), and countless other ways I'm sure I've yet to experience. These relationships we have on earth only help us enjoy and understand Him more; they are essentially the icing on some kind of proverbial cake.

I used to think that being single was some sort of penance for my parent's shortcomings in raising me or maybe the fact that I don't resemble a supermodel. I thought all the 'good ones' were taken and that I was somehow found undeserving.

Had Jesus forgotten that I needed to be loved??? Of course not.

Was He ignoring my requests because I wasn't pretty enough??? He thought the world of me.

Did He care at all??? Only enough to die so I could live in freedom.

Didn't he know that all the other girls had boyfriends??? Of course, but that's just irrelevant.

Why was He holding out on me? He wanted to give me everything.

First I had to learn that I am adored by the most romantic Lover of all time. He knows and understands my heart, my dreams, and my pet peeves. He knows all my quirks and shortcomings and sees me at my ugliest, yet never abandons me for a new or better version. A lot of this took place my freshman year of college - I'll never forget the first time my heart understood that He loved me; I remember feeling like a 5 year old who had just learned the song 'Jesus Loves Me' for the first time. The fact that He loved me personally and never wanted me to feel alone was divinely earth-shattering.

Second, I had to understand that He wanted to teach me how to be a woman after His heart. And so I allowed Him to start building my character and to teach me how to give and receive love. Almost naturally my desire to date decreased to almost nothing. That was such a time of intense growth - I learned to hunger after His word, constantly lay myself down in surrender, listen for His voice, and enjoy His presence to the point of laughter and tears. These are lessons I am still learning. The 'wait' has become a beautiful, challenging adventure into His heart and character. There is no striving to be a Proverbs 31 woman, there is simply saying 'yes' to the unforced rhythms of His grace and following His leadership.

I'm in a bit of a different stage of life right now, but the lessons learned in these two previous seasons still play a massive and increasingly deep role in my heart. What I know now is that, just as He has been teaching me to love and live like Him, He's also inviting and challenging my future husband in these same ways.

That being said, I've learned not to look for someone as perfect as Jesus because the real deal has, after all, been pursuing me since the dawn of time. I'm pretty sure fueling that desire could lead to a lifetime of bitterness and unmet expectations anyway. All I can do is invite Him into my imperfections and trust that my future husband will do the same.

So let's let Jesus be Jesus and let Him work through our imperfections. It'll all come together someday. For right now, we get to enjoy the peace that comes with knowing that we are wanted, the joy that comes from knowing He cherishes us, and the sweet electricity that comes from His presence.

Narcissism

I was in a seminar class a few weeks ago listening to a lecture on the DSM-IV-VTR when I learned that the disorder for narcissism is being taken out of the next edition because most everyone born after 1985 fit the characteristics. Narcissism is now a norm, not a disorder. Isn't that crazy?

We are a generation defined by our love for ourselves.

If you take a minute to reflect, I think you will agree that this is the case.

Since learning that, every kairos I experience seems to be exclusively about me and the condition of my heart.

In essence, it's not about me ... But it's about me.

The Urban Plunge

Dude. Don't know if you've ever been leveled by Jesus, but I totally was. With every session of inductive Bible study, every powerful worship time, and every evening speaker, Jesus exposed all of these attitudes in my heart that were totally breaking His. Many of these were perspectives and frustrations that I'd been projecting onto other people, ways that I had judged others for not sharing my passions and vision. At the end of it all, I realized that I had been acting as if the Body of Christ was about me. I was seeing myself as THE part of the Body, not ONE part. What I realized is that I had started to identify myself by my passions, rather than relying on the Lord for my identity. So crazy.

Here is what I learned: I am who I am because Jesus loves me, not because I love Urban Plunge and Herrera, not because I want to devote my life to helping others, not because I play music and lead worship on occasion. The things that I do are an expression of His love for me. Other parts of the Body do what they do because He first loved them. All different expressions of the same identity. How could I possibly resent those He loves and has given distinct responsibility? Wow.

Clumsy/ Everything

If you've been tracking with me during the past few months, you know that I'm in a D2 season, and character is of the essence. It seems that, lately, I've been falling all over myself in every attempt to keep pressing forward towards D3. My well-rehearsed worship set? So awkward. Communication with those in leadership over me? Terrible. My attention to detail? Lacking. My dependence on Jesus? Missing. Inspiration for growth? Myself. Hmmmm see the connection? All of these random little stories are actually kind of hilarious. If you want a good laugh, I'll tell you each one over coffee sometime.

What I've been learning: My life isn't about me. Revolutionary, isn't it? I feel like I've been living out of my own capacity, talent, and power, not that of Jesus. Ha! No wonder. When I think about it, Jesus has given me a great deal of favor in different areas, but I've not been faithful with it. What does faithfulness look like? Faithfulness looks like being at peace with my weakness and relying on Him for opportunities and strength. Faithfulness looks like releasing everything - all that exists in my life - to Him at every turn.

My will. My emotions. My relationships. My dreams. My worship. My devotion. Everything back to the one who created it.

Banning Liebscher

I got to hear Banning Liebscher speak at Church for the Nations on Saturday night. Oh my goodness. He shared testimony after testimony of God's power being poured out in our generation - people being healed, loved, and raised from the dead. So powerful! He talked about how, as the redeemed, we are in the business of revival, that we could see whole cities come to know Jesus if we allowed ourselves to be set apart to holiness. Not set apart from sin. Set apart to holiness. The reason we separate from sin is to give EVERYTHING (That word again!), every part of ourselves to God, getting authority from Him, and living as slaves to Christ. We can only move in power when we give Jesus everything. Power of salvation and redemption. Isn't that exciting?

The lesson: It's about Jesus and His heart for the world. I am where I am to bring revival. Not to bring Amanda. There is something powerful about choosing Jesus over every other option out there - options like pride, success, and temporary satisfaction. Saying yes to Jesus automatically means saying no to myself. So how do I bring revival? I simply say yes. Yes to Jesus. Yes to His power. Yes to divine reality. Yes to everything, really.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Pot/ the Conclusion

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

___________________________________________________

¹⁴ but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

If I were a perfect pot, completely whole, not cracked in any way, how could people ever experience the living water that is Jesus?

Ha good thing the water's more important than the pot.

Here's to saying no to pot and yes to Him.

Just Like Spandex

This has been a really huge week of growth for me. Each day, I would wake up feeling like I couldn't even handle my life.

'Ugh another day where I don't get to do what I want.'

'Man, I can't believe I'm involved in so much right now.'

'I can't do this. I don't know how. I don't want to. '

Each day, there was this moment when the heavy and seemingly impossible became easy and light, when I was able to just surrender and feel His presence settle over me. I don't think I understood that I could even stretch this much, that I could even have the capacity to run with this much endurance.

I think this can be attributed to the fact that it's not me against the world, It's Jesus and me against the world. We're in this together. I'm His Mrs. Incredible. I love the way that Jesus is ready to prove Himself to me at every moment where I feel like the world is just too much. The truth is that the world is never overwhelming to Him because He already conquered it. Therefore, I am more than a conquerer in Him.

Because He is in me, I have everything I need to face the day. Everything. He is Everything. Because He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world, I have the power to stretch and fight for what I believe in, to run the race with endurance, to receive the highest prize.

Abide. Stretch. Grow. Learn. Run. Conquer.

Watch the world be redeemed.

Do ittt.

Just spent the pretty much my whole day working on the Urban Plunge and I just have this surge of excitement that it's going to be so amazing. Seriously, do not miss out.

Can't even tell you how excited I am for this. If you are in college, you NEED to go. Like, it's not even an option. This will change your life like it did mine. If you don't know what it is, you can read last year's blog HERE.

If you're not in college, there are still ways for you to get involved:

-Donate a basketball (We're looking for 15)

-Donate a soccer ball (We need 10)

-Donate a box of granola bars (We're looking to raise for 300 kids)

Seriously, so easy. If you love me, you will do this :)

That is all.

Kind of a Big Deal

How do you know who you are?

Chances are somebody told you. Probably your parents.

It's kind of a basic question when you think about it, but I think the repercussions are kind of a big deal.

Let me put it this way, you cannot get a job, a bank account, or even enroll in school without proof of who you are. Basically, identity is a nonnegotiable asset we use to access our lives. So much so, that there are entire industries dedicated to preventing identity theft.

Though there are probably more ways to identify ourselves than ever, a deep sense of identity is sorely lacking, especially in my generation.

Like I said before, our identity comes from relationships. What if relationships have failed us? What if the only people who have told us who we are have also hurt us?

I think this is the reason many people don't know who they are; the reason many eagerly accept the labels that others put on them. Labels like failure, perfect, never good enough, invincible.

So... What does this mean? It means that we can live hopelessly, constantly being tossed around by others' view of us, or we can follow in Jesus' footsteps, receiving our sense of who we are directly from the Father and rejecting any other perception that contradicts this truth.

You see, our identity from the Father is our access to Life. In John 8, Jesus tells His followers that they are no longer slaves, but children of God, that they will have eternal life, and that He is who He says He is.

I speak from experience when I say that the more my understanding of who I am comes from my heavenly Father, the more steady I am. Instead of being constantly thrown off balance by the uncertainty of my life and surroundings, I get to hold firm to His truth. I love being able to freely accept criticism without the fear that it will somehow deplete my sense of security. I love being free to invest in relationships, even if the return is minute. I love that I can take risks, even if failure is a definite possibility. I love being able to stand strong in the chaos of a fallen world.

When you think about it, you don't have to do anything; your identity is given to you free of charge. Any misconception that who you are is synonymous with what you do is a complete and utter lie. Instead, it's our Father in heaven who tells us who we are, and from identity comes obedience to His will.

So how can Jesus get away with telling us to take up our cross and follow Him, all the while promising that his yoke is easy and light? It all comes back to the flow of obedience from identity. The fact that He knows us so completely, yet loves us so unfailingly (basic components of I.D., if you think about it) gives Him the authority to ask us to die to ourselves and take on His character.

So, not only do I relish the fact that He loves and knows me, but I can't help but want to obey Him when He tells me to submit to Him yet again. For me, this season of my life is all about character and growing into the shoes He has made for me to fill (D2, if you're familiar). I don't really think that I could ever permit Him to take me there if I didn't know who I was first; it's pretty much my saving grace on the days that He points out yet another thing we have to work on. Right now, I find that I am low on experience and know-how when it comes to really doing things well. Good thing I'm not what I do, right?

Identity. Get some.

The Day I Found John 15 in my Closet

As Chris very accurately put it, I've already hit D2 of this season. I don't think I ever actually got through D2 last semester, so maybe this is just a continuation? Ha.

Today, though, I was reminded that D2 is a time for tons of vision and grace, both from people in leadership over me and from Jesus Himself.

So what's the vision? Pruning.

It really does remind me of cleaning out my closet last month. I found myself saying things like:

"Maybe I could like this, given the right combination."

"Well, these jeans used to fit..."

"I really did like this awhile ago, maybe I'll just wait and see if I begin to like it again."

"I don't remember why I bought this, but I probably had a good reason at the time."

I think these same excuses go for other areas of my life. There are things I do that certainly were a good fit to my style and capacity a while ago, but I think these words from Jesus are ringing true with incredible clarity for me right now:

"I am the true vine, and my father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." -John 15:1-4

Jesus is like, "Hey Amanda, remember the time you surrendered your schedule to me? Remember how the promise of life abundant and balance are the legs you stand on? Remember all the ways I work things out for you when you commit yourself to being faithful with your time? Remember how important honor is?"

... And there's the grace.

Hey Jesus, I think you're right about that. I think it's time to get the shears out.